Well, I missed the opportunity to post a tribute to 4/20 yesterday. Why? What could possibly cause such apathy, such horrendous malaise? Certainly not the basis for celebrating 4/20. No way. The truth is, I was updating my band’s site yesterday. Take a look! We’ve put up two live tracks from the Grog Shop, and they sound pretty good. I added a touch of reverb, because sound straight from the board is a bit dry, especially vocals. A graphic explaining how to order a copy of our latest demo has also been added to the site. If anyone reading this blog wants a copy, all you need to do is e-mail me at: retro@mirandasmoon.com.

I’ve got an idea to take care of this WHOLE Iraq matter. I learned this from my mother. Bush, if you think fixing Iraq is so easy, why don’t you go over there and fix it yourself?! I say we just drop GW off, bring every single troop back home, and let everything sort itself out. He seems to have the guidance and leadership that we’re all looking for, but something must be wrong because all of our troops are dying. They must be doing something wrong, and I’m sure he can fix it.

I had the honor of catching one of George Bush’s extremely inspiring and god-fearing campaign ads the other day. Well, that’s how he thought it would reach Americans anyway. It reached me more like: “Hi, I’m a liar and I’m getting away with it, so I’m going to prance around and spew some more bullshit out from the vacant recesses of my cro-magnon mind. If you need a leader you can trust, SUCK A DICK! What the fuck do I care about trust?! I lie to you every day, and you’re just going to believe it like you always do. I’m George Bush, and I endorse the preceeding advertisement.”

I guess I need to read more about Woodward’s new book that everyone’s talking about, because this just doesn’t make sense. It seems to repeatedly illustrate the president’s incompetence, yet the administration wants everyone to read it. In this article, Woodward asserts that the decision to attack Iraq was made long before the public, or Congress, knew for sure. Yeah, boy, if I was Rumsfeld, there’d be nothing I’d want the public to know more about than the fact that we’re deciding on things long before you even have a chance to protest them. Actually, if I was Rumsfeld, I guess I wouldn’t be concerned either way, because way back when Nixon was in office I was most likely getting away with the exact same shit, pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes like I am now.

In case you haven’t caught on, I’m in one of those WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE! type moods today. I think I prefer to be in an ARE YOU GETTING THIS?! type mood instead, but hey, we can’t always pick our moods. My “target audience” has been awake to this kind of bullshit for years, and therefore, I’m really just wasting my breath with the whole WTFUP approach.

I’m going to try and lighten my mood here… though still focus on news.

Here’s an interesting piece on a guy who went to buy a car, only to find out that a terrorist was using his Social Security number! Well, the resemblance IS striking. I love how they try to slip in the “light at the end of the tunnel” right at the end: “After talking to the Social Security Administration, the U.S. Treasury, the FBI, lawyers, and local police, Allen said that he is still not sure how to clear his name.” Great! So all those worthless g-men combined couldn’t help him whatsoever. I guess all those articles about identity theft I read really did have some merit to them. Here’s what I don’t get: I’ve was born in America and I couldn’t even get a realistic fake ID if I wanted to, yet, a terrorist who helped plan the 9/11 disaster can score one - not just any random ID either… the ID of someone who was born on 9/11! Not only that, but given the fact that 9/11 took place almost 3 years ago, and this guy was still listed with the Treasury Department as a terrorist, yet until he went to buy a car, he never knew he was an identity theft victim. Some Department of Homeland Security we have! Way to catch up on things!

To relax your mind, some Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy.

Nick sent me this, Supermodel Personals. It’s pretty damn funny!

This is the house next to the “Ghetto Palace” aka our bassist, Bot’s house. Pretty… uhm… nice, eh? I can’t wait to get some photos in the summer with my actual digicam, but for now, these’ll have to do.

Yesterday, John, Ethan, Bot and I went out to Katy & Bob’s farmhouse to soak up some of the warm weather. It was quite glorious. The two photos there are of a strange abandoned cabin and its property, a good ways back in the woods. For no known reason, the residents of this “summer cottage” appear to have left with no more than 30 seconds notice. There are clothes still hanging on the clotheslines, food still on the counters inside, and shotgun shells on the ground nearby. It’s really like a Friday the 13th kind of scene back there. I asked Ethan to “preside” over the cottage in the second picture. Pretty good presidin’.

Goats. Two of ‘em. Katy & Bob are the proud owners of some really dope goats. They’re both relatively friendly, though “Whitey”, as I call her, is still a bit skiddish in her new surroundings. Still, she was also the one that performed the coolest stunt of the day. When we first got there, she was up on this table, and to get down she did some kind of freestyle goat leap that involved a twisting of the body and a kick of the hooves. I’d rate it at about a 8.6, but that’s without seeing the other contestant.

Just to keep track, on Saturday, after our West Side Market visit, we made Chicken Saltimboca. Chicken breasts pounded flat, then rolled up with spinach, parmesan cheese and proscuito (substituted beef bacon for Bot’s no-pork ass). We needed more spinach, but it was tasty nevertheless.

If you’ve never been to Dubyaspeak.com, it’s filled with quotes and ramblings of GW Bush. Of course they’re the ones that blow your mind and make you question why you live in a country where THIS GUY got elected president. Still, I do, and so I must laugh.

Go get some Jim Beam on the rocks, because you’ve got a lot of clicking to do, my friend.

First, and vastly more important than world news, a site dedicated to putting items in the microwave. Though I came across this site completely by chance, my little brother put a Homie in the microwave just the other day, which allegedly caused the sore throat I’m currently enjoying. What I’m trying to say is that it was my destiny to click on this link, and perhaps my new destiny is microwaving things. The fact that some of the flourescent bulbs light up when you microwave them is pretty amazing to me. Have a look.

After a long, long wait, Michael Moore has put up a new commentary on AlterNet. He explains that he has not written one in so long because he’s working on his new movie, Fahrenheit 911. Anyway, this most recent article may not be as enlightening in the past, but I must pay my respects.

“President Bush secretly ordered a war plan drawn up against Iraq less than two months after U.S. forces attacked Afghanistan and was so worried the decision would cause a furor he did not tell everyone on his national security team, says a new book on his Iraq policy.” Sorry, their first paragraph was a very accurate summary!

This is pretty interesting, a book about the Bush family reveals much about the inner workings of GW’s head. There’s not MUCH working, but something’s moving in there. A couple good excerpts: ” two men [GW and his father] sometimes speak several times a day and that they often discuss policy matters but only at the behest of the son.” You can guess (or already know) what ‘behest’ means, but it was new to me, and means “an urgent request.” Another quote, this one’s from an unnamed relative: ‘He doesn’t have a p.c. view of this war. His view of this is that they are trying to kill the Christians. And we the Christians will strike back with more force and more ferocity than they will ever know.'’ Scary? Well, not shocking, but scary. Oh, and this one has to be my personal favorite: “on election night in 1994 (when Jeb lost the race for governor of Florida, and George W. went on to victory in Texas), the governor-elect talked to his father on the phone and afterward complained to his Aunt Nancy: ‘’It sounds like dad’s only heard that Jeb lost. Not that I’ve won.'’” Ha ha!! Daddy doesn’t like you, little George! You can really HEAR Bush saying that, can’t you? It coincides perfectly with my impression of how his brain works.

Okay, there’s a meatpacking company out there that wants to test every head of cattle for mad cow disease, but the FDA won’t allow it. More specifically, some chemicals needed for the test “kit” are only provided by the FDA, and the FDA will not give it to this company (Creekstone Farms). This is about as shady as when the CIA invented crack, and bioengineered the AIDS virus.

Two Montana sixth-graders die from drinking too much vodka. Okay, this is a tragic story, and an upsettingly stupid one, but let’s look at it from a different angle. Let’s say for a second that instead of getting ahold of vodka, they came across a massive stash of marijuana. What would the headline read? Well, there wouldn’t be a headline - but if there was, it’d be “Two missing Montana teenagers found laughing hysterically.” Why? Weed can’t kill you, even if you’re a puny sixth grader. One of the children had a 0.50 BAC, which is astronomically high.

Okay, maybe there wasn’t as much clicking as I thought. How about some readin’? Last night, John, Bot and I wanted to watch a Calgary Flames playoff game on TV. We’re flipping through the channels, and, having already purchased beer and frozen pizza, we realize that it’s on a pay-per-view channel, not regular ESPN, like the other night. So we get on the horn as fast as possible. After John speaks with perhaps the most incompetent person in Cleveland, we give up because they need too much (of our stepbrother’s) information. Finally, we can’t stand it. We get my stepbrother’s SS#, and the account number, etc, and call back up. This time we get a much nicer person, but after literally 30 minutes on the phone, it was revealed to us that you need to purchase the entire NHL playoff “package”. Also, we never got a price quote on ANYTHING. How could a company be so unprepared for what HAS to be a common request from customers? I can only imagine how ineffective their computer system must be, because by the end of the second conversation, we were operating solely on word of mouth around the office.

I’m ordering this without delay. One of my favorite bits of Married with Children was Al Bundy’s No Ma’am organization. I never thought I’d find it!

Oh man. Did you watch Bush’s “press conference” last night? I happened to catch about two thirds of it, and it was amazing. Several times he dodged questions, even one that was asked twice, in an attempt to clarify EXACTLY what was being asked.

[From someone else’s blog]
Q: Mr. President, why are you and the Vice President insisting on appearing together before the 9/11 Commission? And, Mr. President, who will you be handing the Iraqi government over to on June 30th?

THE PRESIDENT: We will find that out soon. That’s what Mr. Brahimi is doing; he’s figuring out the nature of the entity we’ll be handing sovereignty over. And, secondly, because the 9/11 Commission wants to ask us questions, that’s why we’re meeting. And I look forward to meeting with them and answering their questions.

[Bush looks flustered, ready to drop the question…]

Q: I was asking why you’re appearing together, rather than separately, which was their request.

THE PRESIDENT: Because it’s a good chance for both of us to answer questions that the 9/11 Commission is looking forward to asking us, and I’m looking forward to answering them.

[Bush looks nervously around the room trying to find a friendly face…]

Let’s see —
——————————————————
I could watch that clip all day. It’s somehow satisfying to see someone on live television, utterly bombing. Seeing Bush visibly scared and stumbling over words, now that’s a special treat. I was astonished at the lack of answers he provided to the questions he was asked. However, with past presidents, the dodging of questions was far less visible, and often executed in such a way that people forgot the orginal question. Not last night. Bush regularly departs from the question at hand immediately, with phrases like “Well you see,” or “the thing is,” etc.

Perhaps the climax of the conference is when Bush was asked if, in light of unprecedented amounts of criticism, he could cite just one of his mistakes as President. You know damn well what happened… but here’s a synopsis:

THE PRESIDENT: “I wish you would have given me this written question ahead of time, so I could plan for it.” (Laughter.)
–> Insert rambling and goings on about how everything he’s done he would do over again Michael Moore’s article about our former buddy, Saddam.
Followed by detailed accounts of how we worked with Iraq, sometimes in secret, sometimes in public, to ensure it was them who came out on top. It’s all right there. Rumsfeld shaking Saddam’s hand, Reagan talking about how the “international community” needs mideast oil.

This clears a few things up:
1. Did Iraq have WMD? You bet they did! We gave it to them!!!
2. Was Saddam a threat to the United States? Not unless taking away some major oil supplies is a threat.
3. Are there WMD there now? Well, this one we can’t answer. But if there are WMD there now, how can we truly justify attacking their civilians when the WMD wouldn’t be there if we hadn’t supplied them to Iraq 20 years ago?

Now’s a good time to bring up the recent (unconfirmed & unofficial) reports that WMD arebeing planted in Iraq by the US government. I’m surprised no reports of this came out already, given the lack of support for the “war” initially, and given that GW Bush is our president. He’s pretty damn shady, you know.

And what are we doing in Falluja? After those “American-killing parties” we saw in the news, we engaged in an unfortunately all-too-common response these days: bombing and shooting the shit out of the place. Here’s an account of what’s happening there, including the shooting of women and children, by the United States military. Yes, I saw the pictures, and yes I know some of these kids will grow up to grab an AK-47 and start firing at US troops… but when you don’t agree with the “war on terror”, which is a perfectly viable stance to take for an American, these kinds of stories can be upsetting. Imagine if your hometown’s soccer field had to be converted to a cemetary. Or if, as a child, your father was shot right outside of your house, and you and the rest of your family was too scared to go outside. War is not helping this situation. Not at all.

Back to local issues… Cleveland’s education system is completely in the shitter. Proposed cuts are even worse than previously thought, and include: the elimination of summer school and new textbooks next year, and a chance the district will get rid of football, baseball and softball.
Here’s the part that I couldn’t believe the reporter wrote:
“Ahe actually broke down when she had to tell parents about the huge cuts to next year’s budget.
It’s all because the state isn’t handing out as much money as they thought.”
I didn’t fix the typo, because I think it aids in understanding just how poor of a journalist this person is. Can you BELIEVE that last sentence? That sounds like gossipy, republican yammering to me. What the fuck is she supposed to do? Shake the money tree?! Should she be happy that a huge population of kids are now going to get a really shitty education? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. We’re not talking about losing a few textbooks here… we’re talking about 900-1,500 teachers and school employess FIRED. I’m sorry, but that journalist needs a good three hour long shaking from The Rock.

Made some minor changes to the site today. Updated my beer log and replaced Justin and Janet with a little graphic I made. Nick, e-mail me the beers I had with you.. I can’t recall their names (big surprise). The animated boob was getting a bit old, even for me. Plus it was a big file.

Mullet at the West Side Market!! On Saturday we went to the market (as usual) and afterward made an Indian curry dish served over rice and topped with chopped, toasted (by me) cashews. ‘Twas the bomb.

Though I’m sure you can’t see it in this picture, we were sitting at DQ having some shitty soft-serve ice cream products, when we noticed that there was a fake owl atop the York Video sign. The failure of the owl decoy could not have been more miserable. Not two feet from its artificial feet lived numerous pigeons, one of which was visible (to us) when I took the picture. Nice try!

Had a pretty slow, leisurely weekend. I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre last night, the new one, and it was alright. Not terribly scary, but plenty gross and gory. Oh yeah, it was Easter yesterday, that’s right. Well, to celebrate I ate dinner at my mom’s, did laundry and ate pork rinds. I drank a couple of beers too.

Bush’s campaign jackets are made in Burma, which happens to be a country who’s imports are banned by the USA. Sounds about right. By the way, I could call it Myanmar, but Burma sounds way cooler.

More Photoshopped pictures from SomethingAwful.com:
Hardy Boys
Hardy Boys
Hardy Boys
Hardy Boys - For Ben
Hardy Boys
Kids Poster
Kids Poster
Road Sign
I just love these things! Get over to their site, there’s so many good ones. The Chewbacca section features one of Chewy as the Unibomber! Frickin’ hilarious.

Here are some pictures from my trip to San Francisco!
(I doubt anyone will ask, but I can post bigger sizes of certain pics if you request it. Just e-mail me.)

I have to catch up on a few photos here, because I was out of town and just plain neglected to post these! The first is on my way to another one of the schools I work for. It’s on the east side of Cleveland, and I always liked to drive up this one hill, especially when it’s snowy. The second was taken on Euclid Ave., where I seem to find a new church every time I go out. Finally, on the streetcar to Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco, I spotted a mullet. The introspective young lad with the yellow backpack and flannel shirt is sporting a proud, unknowingly out-of-date mullet. The best kind, in my opinion. Unfortunately, the pole cuts into your dosage of mulletude. I saw it plainly, in all its stoic glory.

The trip to San Fran was great, but before discussing that, I never got the chance to review my own band’s concert last Tuesday! We played at the Grog Shop, which has been moved to the other end of Coventry. The new digs were quite spacious, and the sound was far better, at least the way I remember it. We had plenty of time to set up, since we were the first act to go on. The soundman made sure we had everything imaginable in our monitors, and it made a big difference. We actually got a recording of the show from the soundboard, and we’ll be posting a few songs to the band website pretty soon. The reception was great, and not to toot our respective horns, but we easily drew the most people and the most applause. The other two bands, Dios and Mittens on Strings were quite good, but the audience just didn’t seem to get into it. Not uncommon for a show in Cleveland, I must say. We’ve been there, and we may be there tonight, when we play Pat’s in the Flats. (Be there.) So, it was a great night, and we also realized how rockin’ our drummer is that night. He fully slams the shit out of those skins, and we can’t wait to let him loose again.

My trip was great and very relaxing on all accounts. When I left Cleveland there was this massive fog hanging all over the city, which had been strangely common for the prior few days. Our plane was late getting there, so of course we were late leaving. I made it to Phoenix in time, despite having been delayed in Cleveland for an hour. Even with my knowledge of planes and airliners, I was quite surprised. When I got to SFO, I hopped on the AirTrain, which looked a hell of a lot like the stupid cheesy shuttles on Star Trek the Next Generation. Then I hopped on the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) and made my way over to Oakland. The first night I took care of whatever jetlag may have had by getting hammered and staying up until about 3:15am (that’s 6:15am my time). The double shot of Jameson was (and still is) a bad idea, ‘Cholas. The next day my girl came into town and we met up with her and had a nice picnic near the Golden Gate bridge. It was a little overcast, but really nice nonetheless. Upon waking up in the hotel on Sunday morning, we realized that Cleveland had gotten some snow! I couldn’t have been happier. The sun was shining and we headed down to Fisherman’s Wharf for a bowl of clam chowder. Then we walked to the “crookedest street”, aka Lombard, and continued to make our way across town. We went to The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art and saw some great photographs (my favorite was Pirkle Jones) and a great exhibit by Romare Bearden, who’s a collage artist. (Both of these people have some images online, but not as much as I’d like.) After the MOMA we went over to Oakland and had a late night drink before passing out. On Monday, we went north past Sausalito to an area called The Point Reyes National Seashore, Palomarin Trailhead. I just found this link right now, but that’s the parking lot! Wow…! Anyway, I’ll be sure to post some of my pictures because these ones suck. However, you can see what it looked like. Absolutely gorgeous. Every turn was a new look at the clearest blue sky, the coolest looking hills with interesting shrubs and flowers, and of course, amazing coastline. The drive out there was almost as relaxing and breathtaking. I have no idea what I’m doing back in Ohio, but I’m certainly no longer proud of our “park system.” The Cuyahoga Valley is nice, but damn! Plus that was just one little area. I saw some of Nick’s pictures from Big Sur, which is down south a ways, and that looked equally as beautiful. After a long day walking the paths, we headed back to make sure and get my girl to her hotel in time to be picked up for work. We crossed the Golden Gate Bridge at sunset (yes, there’ll be pics). After my girl got packed up, I headed back to Oakland for the night. We checked out Nick’s new bookstore, which was loaded to the brim with interesting reads. Even if I were a wandering customer, I’d have a hard time devouring 1/10000th of those books! Yesterday morning I made my flight with about 5 minutes to spare. After making it home last night, I was at band practice with my guitar across my shoulder within one hour of touching down. We ran through our set for tonight, and now here I am. If you haven’t been out to the Bay Area (ever, or in the past year) get the fuck out there. It’s warm and much fun.

The day I arrived in the Bay Area, the big story was a guy who threatened to jump from the bay bridge during rush hour, and stayed there for something like 13 hours! You can read about how bad it fucked up traffic, and how police took way too long to get his ass down.

Back in Cleveland, a priest was being sentenced for growing pot, and said he looked forward to when marijuana would be legalized. Right on bro. Too bad I saw a little old lady from your parish on TV last night, condemning you as if you were Satan himself. She had the rest of the people in Mike’s Beverage & Deli laughing at her, but I can just see all the “oldies” nodding their heads in the dim blue light of their boob tubes. Crazy fuckers.

Jacob’s Field (Home of the Indians) is named the best vegetarian stadium in America! Wow, sweet. How the hell did that happen? We certainly have good hot dogs, and fine, fine onion dispensers. Love those things.

Yeah, that Saddam sure was a bad guy. Oh wait, far worse shit is going on all over the world, including this Rawandan story of genocide, where one million persons perished. Incredible. Bush, wake up from your cat nap on the freakin’ ranch and get your ass to work. You already set a vacationing record, you don’t need to hang out there anymore.

Oh, one more link people need to be aware of: X-Entertainment.com. With tons of 80’s throwbacks, many of which are sure to bring back fond childhood memories of materialism gone wild.