I’m much too stoked about the long weekend to post anything today. Here’s what I did last night:

1.) Drank a beer, ate Pad Thai.
2.) Saw Andrew WK on Conan.
3.) With the band and Ken C, ventured into the abandoned factory near our practice spot to take band photos. Got muddy.
4.) Looked at photos, changed into sandals.
5.) Had band practice.
6.) Watched the end of the Flames game, cried. They lost 4-1.
7.) Called my girl.
8.) Watched Family Guy.
9.) Slept.

And now… THIS!

Also, notice that the STFU page has a brand new picture at the top.

Had to post this… the new Airbus A380 rolls out! Yeah!!

Last night I watched The Triplets of Belleville, a French cartoon that I heard was pretty good. I definitely liked it, especially the bizarre premise. There’s very little dialog, and it isn’t exactly uplifting, but worth seeing for sure.

Yesterday, Herr Bush strode into the spotlight to blabber mindlessly in front of the camera. While his conservative minions cheered him on, slathering him with undeserved praise, Bush danced around the issue at hand, promising nothing substantial. The highlight of his oratory flop was his superfluous promise to tear down Abu Ghraib. As the linked article explains, nobody in Iraq gives a fuck. “If he demolishes this prison and builds another, what’s the purpose behind that? It will be the same, he will still torture our sons in it” - Makiya Rashid, Iraqi

I’m not even sure I posted anything about this before, but the FBI found fingerprints of a Portland, Oregon lawyer on some evidence found near the the March 11 terror attack in Madrid, Spain. Well, when I saw his picture before, I thought he didn’t do it. He didn’t look devious whatsoever. I guess I was right, because the FBI has now apologized to him for the “misunderstanding”. Here’s the best part: Robert Jordan, FBI special agent in charge in Portland, later said he would meet personally with Mayfield to apologize. Jordan noted that the agency no longer is investigating Mayfield for anything. Whew! I made it off their list! What is this, a fucking video game? Also, would they really tell him if they were investigating?

My analysis was exactly correct: Bush’s supporters are just as dumb as he is. It had to be true. How else could this phenomenon be explained? This story stems from the fact that if you search for “miserable failure” on Google, you get Bush’s Bio on the White House website. It was done by linking to Bush’s bio by using the words “miserable failure” - and ensuring that it was linked as such all over the place. Well, Bush supporters tried to get the word “waffle” linked to Kerry in some way. Obviously, they failed miserably. Read the article, it’s pretty funny.

It’s about time I got a scientific explanation for why my hair is fucked up. It’s genetic! Thanks Mom and Dad, now I’m limited to either a pompadour or a buzz. Oh yeah, or I could grow it back out and look like an even bigger turd. Sweet. (No, I’m not kidding, and I’m not effeminitely attached to my hair style… my hair is totally fucked up!)

Fleeing potatoes tried to escape only to be trampled by each other during one of the most horrendous and shocking moments in driveway potato racing history.

On Friday an amazing storm rolled into Cleveland. I heard the wind speed was estimated at 80mph, and from what I could see, that seemed about right. We were sitting at work when someone in another part of the office mentioned how fast the storm was moving. They let us go early, in hopes of beating the storm, but instead it meant we got to be in our cars when it hit. So I get out onto the highway, and generally in that part of the innerbelt, traffic is moving at about 10 mph. I noticed it was growing dark fast, and that’s when I took the first picture. An extremely low to the ground, black cloud was moving quickly over downtown Cleveland. The next picture was taken only about 20 seconds later, as the edge of the cloud reached the highway. You can see how dark it was, and the sky went from sunny and blue to pitch black in a heartbeat. As I drove over the innerbelt bridge, clouds were moving both above and below us! A little ways down the road it started to rain, then hail. Nearly every car on the road pulled over to the side, or just stopped under bridges, because you couldn’t see past your hood. It was really incredible.

Not that it’s any surprise, but the Iraq war has cost almost twice what the Gulf War cost the US.

Also not surprising, Bush can’t ride a bike. Proving the existence of karma, a vacationing Bush totally bailed and fucked up his mouth, chin, knees, right hand, and pride. Since he’s such a conservative dork, he was wearing a helmet and a MOUTH GUARD. Since the CNN article clearly attepmted to minimize this factoid, let me draw extra attention to it. MOUTH GUARD MOUTH GUARD MOUTH GUARD. Let’s not forget Bush’s awesome Segway accident… and the reason behind THAT fall, it wasn’t turned on.

Who in the hell needs THIS?! Of all things to try and sneak past airport security, why would you try to smuggle a knife big and mean enough to take down a lion?! Man, come to think of it, why do they even make shit like this? I mean, give me one practical application for that thing.

In local Cleveland news, a 29 year old woman drove the wrong way down the highway for 8 MILES, then hit a motorcycling couple and killed them. If you’ve ever been in or around Cleveland, you probably know where the airport is in relation to downtown. It’s a good long way. Supposedly this woman, operating at 2 1/2 times the legal blood alcohol level, drove from Cleveland Hopkins Airport all the way to the innerbelt before hitting anyone. I seriously wouldn’t want to try that if I were sober and it was 4am Sunday morning.

Ahh Friday. For a jobber like me, it sure feels good to have reached the cusp of freedom. Yesterday afternoon I enjoyed a brief cubicle nap, though waking up was quick and jarring.

POTHOLE UPDATE: Indeed, my phone call to the Pothole Hotline was answered! Our street is now patched, including the huge square patch right in front of my house. Not only did they do our street, but they also patched two streets over, where there was a car-destroying hole that you couldn’t pass over faster than .0001 mph.

You may have already read about the US’s attack on an Iraqi wedding party, but the US is claiming that they were a group of militants. Given the fact there were some survivors and witnesses, plus names of persons killed, including a well-known wedding singer, I don’t think so. As bad as I feel for these people, both survivors and victims, I hope that their story is proven and made a big deal of. With conservatives already finding ways of writing off the prisoner abuse scandal, there is clearly not enough disgust fueling the average American’s opinion of this “war”. Well, I’m disgusted, dammit!

Be on the lookout for suicide bombers. You know, because they generally blow their cover and end up only blowing up themselves, not others. After telling us to watch for: people wearing big jackets on warm days, people smelling of chemicals, people clenching their fists (!), or eevn people disguised as police officers or pregnant women, they then say: “…suicide bombers are often impossible to detect. There is usually no advance intelligence and so-called soft targets such as shopping malls are nearly impossible to protect from such an attack.” Wow, this has been the most helpful and informative FBI notice I’ve ever read. Thanks guys. I will now openly accuse all police officers of carrying C4 in their little pouches, and when I see a pregnant women I’ll run away screaming “BOMB! BOMB!”

New prisoner abuse reported. This just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Not only is there more footage surfacing, but I also read an article detailing the abuse of women in custody as well. The reason it hasn’t been as well reported is because those women who were raped cannot reveal that to their families or they are likely to be killed or banished. I wasn’t going to post this, because there’s so much bad news regarding the abuse, but I think this is important to be aware of. All of this abuse is not just going on in Abu Ghraib either, as you may have read. The prisoners and those military personnel that have spoken out all claim that it is a widespread and even “normal” practice.

Hey, if you are planning on voting for Kerry, or want to let him know how he could represent your beliefs better, FILL OUT THIS SURVEY. I did, and… I’m cool. Yeah.

Wisconsin strip club signs up voters to vote against Bush. Thanks guys. Really.

Now THIS is cool… a Sherpa breaks the speed record for climbing Mt. Everest. 8 hours and 10 minutes was his time. Awesome!

My buddy Dan and I used to stop at UDF (United Dairy Farmers) every day after school to purchase one of these… Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Hostess Pies. Man, those were good! The guy writing this apparently just bought them for the playing cards inside, and didn’t even eat them! What a freakin’ jackoff!

Yesterday, I read about an alternative diet where people claim to survive on air and light alone. The name of this fantastically irrational diet is Breatharianism. Fascinated by the idea, I tracked down this fantastic resource (though there are many). I suggest you visit her site, as poor grammar and unfounded claims abound. Today, by chance, I found an article entitled The Case Against Little Green Men. I wasn’t about to let anyone discourage my belief in aliens, so I read on. Turns out he was really discussing why they would not be GREEN. In doing so, he managed to completely dismiss any chance of living on sunlight alone. Not that you need such an explanation to be convinced, but this is interesting on its own:

But a human-sized animal can’t be happy with a bush-sized energy budget. As a typical adult, you need at least 2,000 Calories a day. Making the conversion to less arcane units, that works out to about 100 watts of power, 24 hours a day. But remember that if you got your energy through photosynthesis, you would absorb only 8 watts for each square meter of skin. Most of us have about 3 square meters of epidermis, roughly half of which is in shade at any given time (more, if you insist on wearing clothes). So that’s just over a dozen watts of daytime power, nearly 10 times less than our burn rate. To provide the energy for one day’s worth of your gusto-grabbing lifestyle, you’d need to bake on the back patio for three weeks.

Someone asked me last night if they drank water, too. Yes, they do, but they’re not supposed to eat ANYTHING… just air and sunlight. Fascinating!

Finally, it is Photoshop Phriday again at SomethingAwful.com, so I’ve picked out my favorites. This week is Magazine Madness 2.

Stryper Monthly
Masturbate Magazine (Entertainment for Men)
Fap and Fapper
Crack Addict Magazine

Okay, the top one is for linking to this page, the bottom one is for printing out and giving to people. Yeah, I know there aren’t too many people visiting this site right now, that’s why I’m advertising! If you print out the image, it should be pretty small. Mine are about 2 1/2 inches by 3/4 inch - that way people can put them in their wallets or whatever. (You may have to resize the image, but it’s at 300 dpi.)

Today I was surfing around digging up cool stuff, when all of a sudden my browser crashed. I lost a couple of links, and, well, I’m not going back to find ‘em. Instead, I’ve prepared a nice, quaint selection of links for y’all.

Absolute first priority is the Calgary Flames. If you’ve been reading the blog for a while you know that John and I have been following the Flames through the playoffs. Well, they are now playing to win the Stanley Cup! Last night they beat the San Jose Sharks 3-1, including a goal nobody noticed, because the Sharks had pulled their goalie and Calgary shot a slow-moving puck in the direction of the goal, but were all too busy celebrating! I had to wait for the replay because I was leaping around the room screaming! It was a heart-attack-inducing match, but truthfully, Calgary was on the warpath. They kicked some serious ass.In tribute (but not out of superstition) I will not be shaving until the end of the Stanley Cup series. Hopefully Calgary will win, and then maybe I’ll even keep the “hockey beard” longer. (If you look at some pictures of the Flames, many of them have a very half-ass, unkempt beard… I am hoping to achieve just that.)

Check out this directory of Flash files, most of which are lots of fun to play with. The worms one, and the rabbit one are both really sweet.

A while back I heard that a Youngstown newscaster was photographed while dancing topless at some kind of bar, perhaps during a wet t-shirt or spring break type event. I searched around and found a few grainy shots, but I never noticed (until today): she has the worst boob job EVER. I don’t recall seeing her on TV, but is that not disgusting??

The end of the conservative morality era? This is not the first time I’ve seen this suggested recently. I would rejoice like never before if this were the case, but being down a few points in the polls, and in the midst of a war crimes controversy hardly constitutes the end of conservative morality. I’d even say that they’re just getting warmed up. Also, Bush is not digging his own grave, as many liberals optimistically suggest. Sure he’s making mistakes, but the point is that the majority of this country doesn’t care. They simply aren’t interested or informed enough to change their minds, even as far as voting is concerned. It seems to me that it will take a lot more exposing of lies, digging up facts, and soldiers and citizens being killed, before people come around. IF they come around. Look at it this way, if you were a Bush supporter, even after knowing he lied about WMD, lost millions of jobs, set back environmental progress by decades, and so on… yet you STILL supported him, then what could possibly change your mind? Obviously nothing, or you’d have turned your common sense back on and started criticizing him. That’s simply not what’s happening. His approval rating is still quite high. I’d feel comfortable about the upcoming election if his overall approval rating was hovering around 10%. Until then, let’s not get our hopes up, people.

This one’s name is Gorgoth the Hacker.

Here we have Stoned Shanikwa.
South Park Studios: Games: Create a Character Man, check this shit out!