Well, the Flames won again last night! They beat the Sharks, in San Jose, 3-0. That puts the series at 3-2, and if the Flames win tomorrow night, they’re going to the Stanely Cup finals! If I were a betting man, I’d put some money on it, but I just ain’t. Either way, I’m stoked. All of these games have been exciting to watch anyway.

No doubt you’ve heard the stories of the single artillery shell containing sarin nerve gas. Where did it come from? Could it be the WMD that we’re looking for? Nope, it’s left over from the Iran-Iraq war, when the US was supplying Saddam with, surprisingly, biological weapons. Hm! How about that?

I urge you to read this interview with a former Marine. He talks about how disturbing it was to be aware that he was killing innocent civilians to perpetuate a lie. He goes into detail about how the top brass would feed his unit false intelligence, and they’d wind up firing on unarmed civilians. I’m glad this guy made it out, but read this passage: I talked with my commanding officer after the incident. He came up to me and says:

“Are you OK?” I said: “No, today is not a good day. We killed a bunch of civilians.” He goes: “No, today was a good day.” And when he said that, I said “Oh, my goodness, what the hell am I into?”

Sounds pretty disgusting to me. Like government-sponsored murder, in our name.

And dammit, what’s all this for? At this stage that’s still a rhetorical question, but here’s some insight into BIG OIL’s previous connection with the Taliban. It appears that the Taliban was a good buddy of BIG OIL, but when they asked for more money, BIG OIL got mad. And how convenient that 9/11 came along and gave the US an excuse to remove them from power.

I spend a lot of time complaining about the psyche of the American people, or trying to figure out just how they could possibly support the current administration. It’s people like Rush Limbaugh who plop these disgusting attitudes in people’s brains, if you ask me. I don’t normally “borrow” such a big chunk of an article, but dig on these statements from Rush regarding the prisoner abuse:

May 3, 2004 - Limbaugh likens the photos to ‘anything you’d see Madonna, or Britney Spears do on stage.’

May 5, 2004 - Limbaugh claims ‘the reaction to the stupid torture is an example of the feminization of this country.’

May 6, 2004 - Limbaugh calls the torture a ‘brilliant maneuver’ and the photos ‘good old American pornography.’

May 10, 2004 - Limbaugh mimics barking in describing a photo of a nude Iraqi prisoner terrorized by vicious guard dogs [later announces that he was incorrect in asserting that the prisoner had not actually been attacked].

May 11, 2004 - Limbaugh equates brutal sodomizing of Iraqi prisoners to the ‘cigar in the Oval Office.’

What a stupid, fat fuck. If I didn’t already know I’d be sinking to his remarkably low level by doing so, I’d really like to see how much he enjoyed being a part of some “good old American pornography.” With his precious Patriot Act in effect, I’m sure we could drum up some drug charges or wiretaps and have him strung up by his nads.

You wanna talk about good old American pornography? How about coating a motel room, and yourself, in Vaseline. I am NOT JOKING. When they caught up with him - The deputy said the man was “smeared from head to foot with Vaseline.” That was in a movie, wasn’t it? I can’t recall what. I remember a guy in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat, covered in Vaseline. Someone leave a comment and help me out on this one.

I saw something like this before, but this one’s really good: Top Ten Worst Album Covers of All Time. I love #2 - Devastatin’ Dave (The Turntable Slave)- Zip Zap Rap.

My weekened was fairly uneventful, but relaxing. Yesterday was the SmittyTour, where I played decently. On Saturday night, I watched School of Rock with my bro. It was pretty god-damned funny! Shit, remind me to take that back. Knowing the video rental fascist regime, it’s probably already overdue.

It has been suspected that Rumsfeld condoned, even supported the prisoner abuse in Iraq. Now it’s pretty much a fact. Even when you ask a man who went to Abu Ghraib during Saddam’s regime, he says the abuse and torture he experienced while in US custody was much worse. He was even claiming he was part of al Qaeda, just to get himself killed. It didn’t work though. I really think that people are starting to be a *little* bit more aware of how screwed up this “war” on Iraq is.

So they’re going to have to turn over power to Iraq, and even COLON Powell said that if the US was asked to leave after June 30th, they’d leave willingly. While I doubt GW is willing to let his precious jihad slip through his greasy fingers, he really may not have a choice. Now COLON says that we’d even accept an Islamic state. Read: this was SO damned pointless that we’ll let things go back to the way they were, just without Saddam.

Rightfully so, Castro led a march with an estimated one million people, accusing the US Government of “world tyranny.” They reportedly called Bush a facist, which, without question, he is. How much you wanna bet this won’t make it to FOX News’ broadcast?

When it comes to actual humanitarian needs, the US just looks the other way. Take Sudan for example. There, the Arab Sudanese are going from village to village, burning them to the ground, stealing anything of value, and raping women and girls. Right now about one million people have been displaced, and 125,000 have fled to Chad. It’s so bad, children are dying of diarrhea. Still, you can bet that since Mr. Bush doesn’t read the news, he knows nothing of this, and could care less. I’m sure that if his daily briefings include any mention of the word “Africa”, he just flips to the next page. Maybe if we tricked him into thinking there was massive oil deposits there…

Remember the good ol’ days when Lewis & Clark made their way across this great country, armed only with Opium and Portable Soup? I sure don’t. I was about 175 years away from being born. Still, that’s what they brought, according to documents from the National Archives. This also brought to my attention how bad our handwriting is these days! Check that shit out! It’s so good, I can’t even read it!

It’s a record! Gas prices have hit an all time high in Ohio. This is definitely the first time in my life I’ve seen gas in Ohio over $2.00. I had to snap a picture… but I’m sure this is not the end of the price hike.

Bush and the CIA say that it’s likely that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, of al Qaeda fame, was responsible for beheading Nick Berg. Even now, as other suspicions arise, that’s still what the Bush cartel consesus is. Still, I have no problem believing this report, which states that the person in the famed videotape does not have a Jordanian accent, as al-Zarqawi would definitely have. That’s right - the Bush cartel is blaming this on al Qaeda, though it’s highly unlikely they were involved. Their confusion may be related to this: “Any speaker of the Arabic language is going to notice a difference between the word al Qaeda, which means “the base,” and al qaed, which means “the one sitting, doing nothing.”

In a related story, polls show that 99.999% of Iraqis and Middle Easterners as a whole are a part of al Qaeda. There is one Iraqi man who refuses to give in, but locals scoff at him while he sits all day in the hot sun screaming “Go Bush! Go Bush!” Fortunately for Bush, once the results from this poll reach his ears, he can justify all the abuse and killing he wants.

If you’re looking to escape all this world turmoil, don’t worry, there’s a parallel universe, and this website can help you detect it. That’s right, with just a laser pointer and a sheet of paper, you too can see beyond our plane of existence - into the realm of the unexplained. Okay, it’s really just a way of analyzing some unexplained aspects of light refraction - but read it anyway.

OHIO VOTERS, PLEASE PETITION TO REQUIRE A PAPER RECORD FROM THE NEW ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINES. This is some serious shit. Bush stole the previous election, and he didn’t even have a single electric voting machine to assist him. Just imagine how much you could swing the vote if you had a few 3l33t h4×0rs on your side. From what I’ve read, a profoundly retarded gorilla could hack into one of these things. Watch - in November, the polls will show Bush down by 10 points, and when the results come in, he’ll have won by 40 points. He’s too dumb to keep it from looking obvious.

Now onto some REAL technological innovation. A student at Case Western Reserve University has created a Keg Wrap to keep your keg cold without ice. Powered from either an electrical outlet or a car’s cigarette lighter. What prevented scientists or researchers from coming up with this already? Oh that’s right, the ruthless, cut-throat ice industry. Fuckin’ butchers.

Hearing my cries for expediting the availablility of space travel for the everyday person, Burt Rutan and his SpaceShipOne team have set a civilian altitude record. Over the Mojave, the pilot made it up to 211,000 ft! Keep in mind that’s around 170,000 ft higher than most airliners fly. In order to claim a $10 million dollar prize, they must reach 329,000 ft TWICE over a span of two weeks. Sounds like they’re well on their way.

Photoshop Phriday at SomethingAwful is “Magazine Mayhem”, and I found these two I liked:

Hamster Hunter Magazine
Pretentious Magazine

Don’t forget to leave a comment! I want to see if it works. You don’t need to sign up, just follow the instructions.

o.O John Schwegel Illustration: Portfolio O.o Testing out BlogThis! which lets me just right-click and send stuff to my blog. Wheeee!

I present to you the very first welds of myself, Ken, and Matt. Mine was the top piece, on the right side… you know, the REALLY ugly one. The next picture is of Ev, scorching the retinas of whoever glances his way.

After drunkenly attempting my first weld, I returned home to find the Calgary Flames were up 2-0 in the early 2nd period. The glorious Flames made the series 2-0, after scoring two more times in the 3rd period, with a final score of 4-1. Tomorrow will be game 3, back in Calgary.

CBS reports that Bush administration members hold fake degrees. So perhaps all these moronic decisions and unthinkable policies trace back to the “diploma mills”, or “alma maters” these “graduates” proudly “attended”. People like Assistant Secretary of Defense Charles Abell, who “graduated” from “Columbus University”, a known diploma mill. Man, for a bunch of rich fucks, you’d think they could have paid enough to get REAL fake degrees.

Speaking of the rich mocking the poor, George W. thinks Michigan’s pothole problem is funny. Quote: Bush, who was traveling by bus across southern Michigan, told the crowd: “Thank you all for taking time out to come by to say hello. I’m proud you’re here. My only advice is fill the potholes.” Considering that Bush cut Michigan’s highway funds by $50 million per year, people didn’t find the comment all that funny. What tremendous wit and tact our president is capable of. He really is a stand up guy.

Speaking of potholes, I just called the pothole hotline for Cleveland, to report the potholes on my street. I don’t think this is a problem that just Michigan is facing! If Bush drove down our street, he’d probably request either a 4-wheeler or a Humvee. Not only does patching not fix the problem, but it sets up the same situation to happen the following year. On top of not having a permanent solution available, all us poor folks must suffer through having our shocks blasted and smashed to bits on these lunar surfaces. Let’s see if they actually fix my street… I’ll keep y’all posted.

It appears that past scientific studies of ecstasy amount to a crock of shit. According to this story, scientists from major universities and research companies have been cashing in by pandering to the government and the failing drug war. Also, ecstasy is being tested as a drug to help rape victims and those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Take a gander.

Is there anything the Bin Laden family CAN’T do? The Bin Laden Construction group has been contracted to build the *new* tallest building in the world, in Dubai. Let the article draw all the 9/11 comparisons you can stomach.

Maybe I like SomethingAwful.com a little bit TOO much, but take a look at their Awful Link of the Day today. You absolutely must see this!

Mexican Air Force spots some UFOs. Damn, I’ve always hoped we’d find incontrovertible proof of UFOs or aliens, but having the Mexican Air Force spot them is sure to damage the credibility of such reports. I didn’t even know they had an Air Force! I wonder what they fly? Perhaps the USA’s old WW2 planes? Here’s a zoomed picture… of course you can’t see jack shit.

My hood, lookin’ good. Finally we’ve got leaves on the trees, and the air is warm. We even avoided what all our “weathermen” claimed was an imminent thunderstorm. Last night I received my new, 1.5 litre capacity coffee press, used, in this case, for making tea. If anyone is in the vicinity of my house and in dire need of over one litre of tea or coffee, please stop on in. You know I can accommodate.

Not only did NDR send me a wicked Captain Beefheart compilation, but he also recently forwarded me this link. It talks about how Bush’s (and probably past president’s) employment figures can be doctored to seem significant. Read it.

The FBI’s computers are inferior. I know it’s tough to afford a legal copy of Windows 95 and a 256-color VGA (ISA) card, especially when you have to watch your budget because an underachieving chimpanzee is in charge, but COME ON. Apple IIe’s running our country? Okay, it’s not that bad.

Now, the good stuff. Here’s something I’ve always wanted to participate in: Car Tipping. See what happens when you flip over a spent Acura Integra.

I have a My Yahoo! page, and one of the sub-sections is called “Oddly Enough”, which posts strange news stories from around the world. I’ve even posted some of those stories here before, but this one absolutely reigns supreme: Man Fatally Bitten by Sexually Aroused Horse. It makes me want to come up with a better headline. Let’s see.. Horny Horse Eats Man -or- Randy Equine Likes Spinal Tissue -or- Lesson Learned: Stallion Stiffy Means Run Like Hell

And now for some of SomethingAwful.com’s recent MS Paint gallery, “Turtles in Trouble”:

NO HELMET
Drug War Ad
Sorry Mikey
Fap Fap Fap I love how he’s standing up.
Why ‘Turtles in Trouble’ brought to mind some classic Lou Reed lyrics is beyond me. Still, nicely done.

Calgary won the first game against the (lame) San Jose Sharks! What a crazy-ass game! There were several amazing saves by Miika Kiprusoff, the Flames’ goalie, and even some moments where Calgary was really losing momentum. Still, in overtime, they managed to land a perfectly righteous goal from a few feet back. Keep it up, boys.

Well, some heads did indeed roll yesterday, including mine, and those of three others here in my office. I was truly part of the elite… the chosen ones. I guess I’m being commended by some people because I’m sticking around in the office until I’m done, whereas others just outright left. I’m not so sure they had a choice like I did, though. I think they had to leave already, and I’m supposed to finish out my contract. Oh well, who knows.

Alright, let’s get down to business. This whole prisoner abuse scandal is really getting huge press, and due to the many requests for Rumsfeld to resign, I’m glad it’s as public as it is. Let’s start with what they’re not telling you. Reports of this nature are not new at all. In fact, a 53-page report on prisoner abuse has been available to the administration since late February. They still haven’t read it. Then again, Bush doesn’t read, does he? Of course, the media and Bush’s press secretary are portraying his “surprise” over these recent reports. Sheesh. The middle east perspective on these reports is that “The liberators are worse than the dictators. They have not just lost the hearts and minds of Iraqis but all the Third World and the Arab countries,”. Rush Limbaugh says that the soldiers were just “blowing off steam,” by the way. That fat-headed, sick jackass. You can’t blame a prescription drug addict for his inane prattle, but you sure can call him a fat head. And so I shall. It’s no surprise that, after many newspapers and Democratic politicians called for Rumsfeld’s resignation, he will be expected to go in front of Congress for questioning. I’m sure that will go as well as Bush/Ceney’s candid visit to the 9/11 Comission’s hearing. Speaking of exemption from responsibility, let’s take a trip back to May 6th, 2002, just 2 years ago. On that day, a confused America was told that Bush had decided to reject the development of an international war crimes court. Hmm, we said. “The administration has long maintained that the court has the potential to create havoc for the United States, exposing American soldiers involved overseas and U.S. officials to capricious and mischievous prosecutions.” Okay, I’m not really asserting that Rumsfeld or Bush literally planned to commit war crimes, but hey, would that be so damned surprising at this point?

That just can’t be the end of it. The Bush cartel must have fucked over some more Americans today, right? You betcha. The FDA has banned over-the-counter sales of the new morning after pills. “Contraceptive advocates and doctors’ groups say easier access could reduce by half the nation’s 3 million unintended pregnancies each year. In December, FDA’s scientific panel agreed, voting 23-4 that nonprescription sales would be a safe and important way to prevent abortions.” Their own scientific panel is bewildered by the decision! So what’s the real rationale? They’re worried it will mean teenagers will start using the pill. Oh dear lord, we wouldn’t want LESS teen pregnancy, would we? (You fucking morons.) This is a great example of how conservatives tend to lack the foresight to see beyond their decisions, and fail to understand the impact of their dogmatic policies. They act on principle, without realizing that they are defeating their own intentions.

While we’re on the topic of sex, somewhat, here’s The Onion’s take on the HIV / Porn Industry scandal. Pretty damn funny. My favorite one is: “Male actors will be asked to ejaculate into a cup, take cup to lab; if sample is found to be HIV-negative, actor will be allowed to return to set, dump contents of cup onto actress’ face”

It’s Photoshop Phriday at SomethingAwful.com again, the topic is The Products of the Future, and here’s a good one.

Finally, X-entertainment.com has a new feature on old comic book ads, some of which I recognize. This one, for example, supplied me with hours and hours of materialistic lust. The thing I wanted most was that little radio / PA with microphone that mounts on the handlebars of your bike. God, how I wanted that stupid thing!