I don’t really feel like doing anything today, so this is going to be minimal.

I don’t even think Atheir OR my brother could eat this: a nine pound hamburger!

A woman without limbs is suing Air France for discrimination. I have to admit, saying “a torso cannot possibly fly on its own is pretty god damned rude!

That was a pretty bitchin’ weekend. Friday night I hit the Feast of the Assumption in Little Italy, but quickly retreated after realizing the beer tents were too crowded to be remotely worth it. Ahh but the meatball sub was worth it. Saturday I went out to Katy & Bob’s again, for my brother’s birthday, and we went fishing. I caught a few bluegill and bass, plus a pretty nice sized catfish. Everyone got a few fish in the bucket, and Katy got the biggest of the day - a catfish with a huge head and skinny body. Too bad we didn’t realize how lean he was until I cut his ass open! It resulted in one of the smallest filets ever.

What’s going on here? Bush is moving 70,000 troops over to Asia, and the only goal is to boost the Pentagon’s “flexibility.” I’m not big on predicting things, as I said in one of my recent posts, but doesn’t this sound a bit fishy? Iran and North Korea are both essentially targets of the Bush cartel, and China is messing with Taiwan… I just don’t like where this seems to be leading.

It’s no surprise that the Pope is going to die. Soon. Why do we have a Pope? Why is he unwilling to relinquish his throne while he still can? Can he relinquish his throne? Who wants to sit and listen to a hunched-over prune of a man babble incomprehensibly and yet strive to take him seriously and learn something from him? These are all questions I ask myself when I think of the Pope.

I’ll tell you what - crack must be really, really, really good shit. Otherwise, a Long Island man’s last move before getting arrested couldn’t be more inexplicable. After being chased by police he crashed into a backyard pond. While the car was sinking, but before he went under, he attempted to light his crack pipe. Might as well get that last hit in, right?

Former Brook Park mayor Tom Coyne was found naked on Columbia Rd. at 2am. They say alcohol played a starring role in his drunken theater of shame. (I just made that up… not bad, eh?) What pisses me off is I know they’ll let him off, or get him into some kind of treatment program… but you know if he had a crumb of ganja in his pocket, it’d be a major scandal. Double-standard headquarters: the US of A.

I know at least one of you r3tr0 readers has wept late into the night over the size of his penis. Or at least one of the r3tr0 writers has done so. Logically, using those fantastic penis enlargement pills seems like a reasonable option. They do promise gains of 1-5 inches, after all! Just in case you’ve been considering adding some bulk to the old boy, some risk-taker has taken the pills for 60 days and reported his exact measurements. Quite informative.

Man, I’m hungry! What do you have in the fridge?

This is freakin’ amazing. Underneath Melbourne, Australia, a gigantic ant colony has been discovered! It spans 62 miles in width! I have to admit, I was slightly disappointed to read the article, because the headline said “Giant Mutant Ant Colony”, which I interpreted as literal giant ants. Dammit! What type of pollution will produce such unexpected results? Anybody?

What the fuck is wrong with people? Two men stabbed a man 70 TIMES for his Xbox. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m too sickened by this to even comprehend it. It makes me think that public stonings should become a popular punishment again. Yeah, two wrongs don’t make a right, but I don’t think anything less than a 5-pound stone hitting the skull of one of these slimeballs could knock enough sense into their heads. THEN you can take them to Texas and give them the chair.

A woman was sent to jail for smoking around her kids, which was forbidden in a divorce settlement. What really upsets me about this is not that the woman is now in trouble, but the survey results from the side of the page. It asks the question: “Do you think parents should have the right to smoke around their children?” 66% said no! I realize how bad smoking is, and even when I’m smoking in public and kids are nearby, I make sure I don’t let my smoke go near them. But what people are failing to see in these recent smoking debates is that any restrictions made are way too broad to be effective in a logical way. Just imagine if there were a law passed (and believe me, it could pass) that prohibited parents from smoking around their kids. Technically, a cop could walk up to a family reuinion and arrest a handful of people! Even if it wasn’t that bad, I think it signifies a trend of people who willingly support more and more restrictions on freedom in general, simply because they personally aren’t effected. It’s a damn shame that ‘the herd’ enjoys being told what to do so much. And it’s a damn shame that people are politically motivated only to serve themselves better, instead of thinking what’s really best for everyone. Aaaagh, don’t get me started.

Wait, I started that myself.

Because it’s Friday, I’m not only starting sentences with ‘because’ and ‘and’, but I’m going to give you a very cool link I just found. AT&T has developed a really impressive text-to-voice application, that sounds pretty realistic. It even features some German and French voices, so you can type in whatever you remember from high school, like I did. Then, use the American one and prank call your friends and neighbors. Here’s a sample of the UK voice that I just made.

You know, one thing that really pisses me off is speculatory reporting. To me, it’s not that difficult to understand: you need NEWS for a NEWS STORY. Guessing, imagining, predicting, wondering, pondering… especially when the writer is biased in one direction, is despicable. All these articles about Kerry’s chances of winning, the many ways he’ll triumph over GW, or even the nearly unmentionable option of a Bush landslide… they’re all a complete waste of time. It doesn’t help me to know that Kerry really struck a chord with seniors somewhere in Maryland. And the truth is, many of the liberal sites I go to are full of this shit. At this juncture, I have to imagine many of the journalists pandering this type of rubbish truly believe that Kerry is going to help things out, because if they knew Kerry is going to be the lesser of two evils, they wouldn’t spend so much time trying to find any excuse to move the spotlight back onto him. So I want you all to know, whoever reads this thing, that I sift through piles of journalistic feces in order to find pieces I feel are relevant. Yes, I’ve submitted a few Michael Moore and Kurt Vonnegut rants, but for the most part, I won’t tolerate a flimsy, prediction-laden political wet dream.

Moqtada al-Sadr asks his militia to keep on fighting, even if he is martyred, and US troops continue to needlessly demolish Najaf - even holy cemetaries. Last night while I was driving home from work I zoned out while listening to NPR, but I happened to hear a mentioning of Bush’s famous ‘Mission Accomplished’ flightsuit arrival on an aircraft carrier. Could that have been more unwarranted?! And who out there still feels that, yes, the mission was accomplished when he arrived? I think I’m going to be sick.

This sure won’t help me get over my nausea - a Michigan artist is facing jail time because he painted Eve with her breasts exposed. I get the impression that this guy is a bit of an activist when it comes to art, but you certainly won’t hear me complaining. Apparently, they asked him to leave out words, breasts and genitalia. Why are people so uptight? It’s their uptightness that is America’s undoing.

Yet another example of whiny American tightasses can be found in Toledo, Ohio - where they’re finally going to have an actual vote on their smoking ban. Prior to the collection of thousands of signatures, the ban went into effect without a popular vote. I wish my nonexistent law career could have carried me to a seat on the Supreme Court, because I could answer this one with total clarity and fairness. It’s simple. In all cases, it should be left up to the business owner. End of story. If you happen to really like a restaurant, but you’re (a fuckface) upset about their having a smoking section, you can speak to the owner, because in all cases, they’re the one who made that choice.

When the sheer abundance of ‘ricers’ (think 2 Fast 2 Furious) overwhelms you, or the unwelcomed buzzing of modified exhaust pipes keeps you awake at night, there’s only one thing left to do: laugh at them! When you do, be sure to take a picture for this site.

Whoa, there’s no way I’m going to neglect posting this article! A 480 pound woman in Miami died while being surgically removed from her couch! America, if we have nothing else to be proud of, we certainly can be proud of our insanely obese demographic.

I keep forgetting to interview people with the Audioblogger thingy. I mean, I lead a pretty boring life, but occasionally I could probably scrounge up something worth hearing.

Today new staff starts training, so they’re all here in the central office. That means everyone will get to eat free lunch, unless we’ve finally ordered just enough food for the new staff only. In the past I’ve bagged up leftover salad for several people just to get rid of it!

By far the biggest and sickest news of the day is the US plan to storm Najaf, Iraq’s holiest city. I can hardly believe someone is capable of giving such an order. As this person puts it in his commentary: Our country stands on the precipice of declaring war on Islam. An attack on the Shrine of Ali is an attack on the heart of Islam and must be nonviolently resisted in our country. Truly these are the actions of those lacking foresight, and by those who think a war against terror can be won. (Or, that they’re even fighting against terrorists!) Too bad that any nonviolent protest held in America these days wouldn’t get a split-second’s worth of air time, nor does it seem possible to stop the inane attack. I was just skimming over some articles, and one I didn’t click said something like “Violence escalates, so does indifference.” Well put, yet disgustingly accurate.

Proof that things are not getting better comes in the form of one of today’s top headlines: Al Qaeda plans to assassinate world leader. I’m sure the target is unknown at this time, because the articles I read claim he/she could be a U.S. official, or one from another country. Well, that narrows things down. The only upside is that so far all this ‘chatter’ has proved to be useless in predicting the actions of terrorists. I’m thinking blockbuster movie here, people. Schwarzenegger could discover the target with just enough time remaining to prevent the operation from being carried out, hop in a Harrier (oh wait, that’s been done) … or some kind of X-plane that nobody knows about, and blow the terrorists to bits. I’m tellin’ you, Arnie, this is big. HUGE.

Now that it’s widely known that Mary-Kate has been in treatment for an eating disorder, a t-shirt company decided to make “Save Mary-Kate” t-shirts! Of course, in today’s society everything has to offend someone… though I’m not sure why anyone would have a problem with these shirts. They’re even donating a part of their profits to an eating disorder foundation.

Be on the lookout for Super Coffee, after Brazilians recently decoded the genetic structure of coffee! That’s right - soon, giant coffee beans will become smarter than humans, and the apocalypse will be at hand. Alright, perhaps they’ll just make it taste better.

Here’s something vaguely interesting: a list of company names and their origins. For instance, Hitachi actually means “sunrise” in Japanese.

If you’ve been looking for the right party boat, but these dinky 200 foot yachts just aren’t big enough, how about a 690-foot aircraft carrier from 1953? First $6,450,000.00 takes it.

Awwww shit yeah. Last night we had a little cookout at my friend Marla’s place, where I got mildly hammered and went swimming. Always a good combination. I think the ‘dirt pie’ (chocolate pudding, whipped cream and broken-up Oreo) messed me up though. I had two helpings and… well, this morning it caused quite a situation in my gastrointestinal region. Come to think of it… dumping pudding on top of beer, hot dogs, burgers and pasta salad AFTER having just gone swimming… yeah, that’s a bad idea.

Another bad idea, if you’re GW, is to tell people in a speech that “the really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway.” That sure didn’t stop him from saying so in northern Virginia on Monday. Here’s a tidbit that offers some insight into just how well thought out his economic policies are: Bush criticized Kerry’s plan to eliminate the tax cuts for those making more than $200,000 a year, saying that the “the rich in America happen to be the small business owners” who put people to work. Well played, idiot. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That’s your plan. Why don’t you just verbalize it in exactly that manner? Also, I think conservatives as a whole are failing to factor in a very key ingredient: GREED. It should be obvious to everyone raking in less than $200,000 a year that there is no end to corporate greed, or even “small business owner greed.” For instance, one of my ex-bosses drove a brand-new Lincoln LS instead of using the money to pay his employees a reasonable salary. Fortunately in his case, he wound up without any employees, and working out of his house again.

Tony Blair may be up for a vote of no confidence very soon, because of his stance on the Iraq matter. Christine McCafferty, the Labour MP for Calder Valley, led calls for Mr Blair to consider resigning after Labour’s defeats in the local elections in June. She said then: “If the Prime Minister were to hold his hands up and say ‘I got it wrong’, then maybe people would be willing to trust again. But if he doesn’t, then many voters will think it is time to have a new leader.” Interesting. So, you guys actually examine and question your leaders’ actions? And expect things from him? We ought to try that.

In the southern Iraqi city of Basra, the deputy governor is calling for a seperation from the coalition-sponsored central government. Al-Maliki said the decision was taken because the Iraqi interim government is “responsible for the Najaf clashes”. If you’ve read the ‘Baghdad Burning’ blog linked on the left, you probably recently read this: Najaf is considered the holiest city in Iraq. -and- 300+ dead in a matter of days in Najaf and Al Sadir City. Of course, they are all being called ‘insurgents’. The woman on tv wrapped in the abaya, lying sprawled in the middle of the street must have been one of them too. Essentially we’re still carpet-bombing the hell out of Iraq, desperately trying to crush “insurgents”. The amazing thing is that Americans are so clueless about these conflicts that they think we’re taking out terrorists. All we’re doing is giving them more reasons to hate us, and in the end, giving them a reason to join a terrorist cell. Imagine - your parents are dead, and your city is being bombed to smithereens … what do you do? Sit back and watch?

Well, there may be an escape from this planet someday. It very well might be carried out by way of solar sailing, which the Japanese have just ran a brief test on. That’s pretty sweet. Also in the space realm, NASA has (smartly) given the OK to repair Hubble! This was something I felt pretty strongly about when it was first proposed. Of course I’m also in favor of cutting the military to 1/600,000th of its current size, and giving half of the savings directly to NASA. So, I’m a bit biased. It just didn’t make sense to me that we should let Hubble go to waste when all it needed was a repair. Yes they’ll be a newer, better telescope at some point.. but for now that’s the best we got, and discoveries are still being made while using it. Plus… awesome pictures.

I was on the SomethingAwful.com forums yesterday, when a fellow goon told a tragic story of his job on the Chicago riverboat tours. On Sunday afternoon, a bus passing over the river decided to dump its waste through the grating in the drawbridge - right onto passengers below! This story has since made national news, and there is even a conspiracy theory that the bus was none other than Dave Matthews’ tour bus! I think if you log in as a guest you can read the thread he started. (which is linked here)

Damn was it a gorgeous weekend. I don’t think it exceeded 75 degrees from Friday on through to today. Friday I went out to Katy and Bob’s farm, and hung out with the chickens. They’ve gotten a lot bigger since I last saw them, and they’re supposed to start laying eggs really soon. The rooster is freakin’ huge and loud as hell. It apparently likes to nip at the back of people’s legs, to the point of deserving a sturdy smack from a broom! All the other chickens are so chill that they just wander around the yard all day. The goats were sold because they plan on getting 5 goats now, with their purebred papers and all that jazz. There’s also a “new” tractor out in the garage.. I believe it’s a 1954 Ford. Totally sweet.

On Sunday I went out to our family reunion, which is always .. umm… great. Due to the recent death of our ping-pong table, which we have played on since I was born it seems, we moved on to croquet, a true gentleman’s game. My cousin Alex schooled our asses with his yellow ball of death.

If Kerry can just keep on promising things we can hold him to after he’s elected, then maybe, just maybe, he can be considered a viable alternative. Well, in all fairness, he is a viable alternative to Bush… just not to Nader, Sharpton or Kucinich. Step up to the plate, man! In this instance, he claims he will lift the ban on stem cell research. Dude, that would totally rule. Hey, you know, I just realized that if you wanted to abbreviate John Kerry’s name in the same way that Florence Joyner’s name was abbreviated (Flo-Jo), you’d end up with JO-KE. Cooincidence?!! Yes.

Are doctors in the USA shitty or what?! Apparently, US doctors kill 200,000 people a year because of mistakes they make. Damn, doesn’t that seem like an awful lot? I just happened to find an example of one case in particular: a woman who had a surgical towel left inside her chest after an operation, who later died due to emphysema. The creepy thing is that she said she had an “odd feeling” in her chest for SEVEN YEARS before her death.

Fortunately, some members of the primate family are smart enough to know when to call a doctor, or, in this case, a dentist. A gorilla using sign language indicated it had a severe toothache and needed a dentist! Damn that’s cool.

Other primates have taken up boxing.

Then there are those people who deface their bodies in ways we never thought possible. (Please look at this first kid… holy sweet jesus is that disgusting.)

Some guys at CWRU decide to make their very own ricer, just like in The Fast and the Furious, only this time, they use cardboard instead of an actual body kit! Check out the finished product!

Will Ferrell does a great George W campaign ad parody.

If you’re seeking out a religion, but the only thing in life that captivates you is Spongebob Squarepants, fear not. There is an entire religion centered around the great yellow one!

I’m dead, bitch!
Rick James is dead at only 56 years of age. He died of (way too much cocaine over the years) natural causes.