The “elections” seemed to go off rather well, with minimal loss of life. Regardless of the fact I wouldn’t let Bush be proud of anything he ever did, we can’t exactly celebrate the end of terrorism. What really alarms me is that many people believe that terrorism can actually be fought against. What they fail to understand is that “The War On Terror” is really just a buzzword the administration conjured up to rally support for military action. If people hate a country enough to die fighting against it, terrorism is born. It doesn’t go away because you destroyed it… in fact, it grows, morphs, and evolves the more you try to destroy it. The only cure is to operate in such a manner that fewer and fewer people hate your country. I don’t see that happening.

According to some anonymous reports, the US is toying with Iran’s air defense system, using fighter aircraft to try and lure them into switching everything on, in order to map out a strategic offensive plan. Pretty slick, if that’s true, but also a horribly bad idea.

Stem cells are now moving muscles! Take that Bush! Mwaahaha!

Ya know how when you’re on unemployment, you have to take a job if you’re accepted? Well, apply that to Germany, where prostitution is legal. An interesting scenario unfolds.

One step closer to having a single corporation ruling the world: AT&T is now owned by SBC. Yuck.

Only McDonald’s could be so far out of touch that they inadvertently tell you they’d like you to fuck their sandwiches.

Instead of taking a blood sample, how about you just spit in this cup instead? Man, even though I never really minded needles that much, that’s pretty slick!

My apologies for the brevity of my postings lately. Until probably the end of this week, I’m rather busy… so keep that in mind. Also, make me a sandwich.

Another one of those stories that effectively ends satire:

“In khaki pants and a polo shirt, Mr. Garrett carries a leather briefcase crammed with his calendar, a Palm Pilot, Christian magazines and notes from his many engagements.

“‘Normally, I keep a regular 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. office job,’ he said. ‘But for all of December, I said, “Don’t plan on me for any meetings; I’m all about the Super Bowl.” I’m working all the time, kind of nonstop right now.’”

Even if this is completely fictitious, it warms my heart to see that somebody else out there shares my fetish.

In other news, bovine spongiform encephalopathy (so-called “Mad Cow Disease” — remember when AIDS was known by the media-friendly moniker “Gay Cancer”?) has been found in a French goat, or chevre. Heretofore only theoretically possible, it is now real. Apologies to the many persons of the world who will now live in fear of slow, exceedingly awful degenerative deaths.

Finally, it seems the misguided youth who slayed a couple of potential family pets will be let off the hook. Not to beat a dead horse (sorry), but because this story was reported by WKYC, we’ll never fully know why.

31 soliders died today after a helicopter crash, and al Qaeda warns citizens to avoid polling places on election day. “Oh people, be careful. Be careful not to be near the centers of infidelity and vice, the polling centers… don’t blame us but blame yourselves if harmed.” I hate to make any predictions, but I don’t think voter turnout will be very high anyway. After a warning like that, I certainly hope it’s not. Yes, I hope the elections are a total flop simply because that might force the administration to examine other options. Other options like: leaving! Now!

Baghdad Burning has been updated. They now have a trickle of water in Baghdad, and are doing their best to collect and hold onto it. Electricity’s down to about 4 hours out of every 24 hours.

Ted Turner calls FOX News “propaganda” for the Bush administration. Shocking! Accurate! Falling on deaf ears!

From now on, I’m going to try and pass on every story I find about people “spotting Jesus” in or on things. Today we have a primo example of this obvious mental condition… a man thinks he sees Jesus in the wood grain of his clipboard. Go ahead and click through the slideshow; I didn’t see shit. The “color-enhanced” version revealed absolutely nothing. This article is also yet another example of nicodemia’s favorite brand of lunacy: WKYC. Let’s wrap this up with a quote from the article: He doesn’t know why it’s there, but believes God is sending a message. Wow.

The Pentagon has confirmed what it denied just last week: the existence of a secret intelligence-gathering unit, created on Rumsfeld’s orders. Do these guys really expect us to believe a single word that comes out of their mouths?! The same goes for Condi and her rhetoric, but back to the topic at hand. The Strategic Support Branch (SSB) is very much real and in action. Though Rumsfeld and the administration are continually citing CIA failures, one has to wonder if those “failures” actually translate to failing to falsify WMD reports in Iraq, or provide illusory ties between Saddam and al Qaeda. Rumsfeld is just the kind of guy who’d see accurate intelligence as a failure if it didn’t fit the agenda of he and his cronies. Now, I’m not defending the CIA, but how the hell would any private citizen obtain any truthful information regarding the performance of CIA operatives? We’re getting all of our information from a mass media that’s saturated with political bias and corruption. Who the fuck knows what they’re trying to push on us?

If it appears that conservative Christians are doing the unthinkable: promoting intolerance; well, that’s because they really are. Switch on Ann Coulter and listen close. Is she not a woman who prides herself on intolerance? Yet, she and a number of preachers and politicians that practice the same sort of gleeful hate don’t see it that way. The chic behavior for these bigots is literally to bash gays, confront and offend those who think differently than you, and discredit their fellow Christians who still think tolerance is a virtue. They see it as essential to their religion, and with neocon politicians and preachers aligned in the battle, the number of hate-embracing Christians is on the rise. The linked article is filled with some surprising quotes… check it out.

Global warming will bring us to the “point of no return” in 10 years or less! We’re already well on our way to reaching this point, both in temperature increase and CO2 increase. Why not convert your car to run on used vegetable oil like this guy? (By the way, Ev, this article maintains that the guy does this for free, but also fails to mention what if any regulations he must abide by.)

Bush’s genuis economic plan in action. Take a look at where we were with Clinton and office, and take a look at where we are now. I’m not saying any of these schmucks had it right, but come on! They say liberals are tax and spend, but at least they’re not borrow and spend! We’re totally fucked, people.

The Onion interviews Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy.

Is Google going to have it’s own browser? Are they going to simply integrate their search features into FireFox? I have no idea!

In a move that’s likely to piss me off next month, San Francisco has banned smoking in its public parks. I can’t blame them, though. Most people don’t think twice about tossing their butts out anywhere they want. I usually try to put my butts in my cigarette celophane or in some kind of container until I reach a trash can. Growing up, I saw more than my fair share of butts tainting what otherwise would have been natural forests. Granted, there were usually a couple dozen Genesee Cream Ales scattered about, too. Still, I don’t anticipate a ranger tracking me through the woods because he saw a puff of blueish smoke.

Yes, yes, yes. Lakewood business owners are fighting the smoking ban, and I couldn’t be happier. As I’ve said numerous times, I don’t mind if any restaurant goes non-smoking of their own accord. Where I draw the line is when our local government finds the need to mandate what should be left up to the business owner.

“The strong have a duty to protect the weak.” This is how GW justifies his anti-abortion stance. Yeah George, you’re so fuckin’ compassionate. I know it’s not just me who recognizes the hypocrisy involved in that statement. Yes, an unborn child is defenseless, but where’s Georgie when a homeless shelter fills up and a grown man who may have had a legitimate career just a month before is forced to sleep on the street without any blankets in below-freezing conditions? Whose side does Georgie take when an elderly person needs an operation but doesn’t have insurance, and the health care industry is vacuuming the money right out of their accounts? Why doesn’t that statement translate to “the rich have a duty to protect the poor”?

One guy that really understands what it’s like to help people is Bill Gates. No, really, I’m not kidding. The guy is one of the greatest philanthropists of our time. He just gave 750 MILLION DOLLARS to the Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunisations! Of course that’s not what I’m basing my claim on.. he and his wife Melinda have one hell of a philanthropic organization going. This is a guy who I’ve cursed numerous times while simultaneously banging on a keyboard or smacking a monitor, yet I respect the hell out of him. He knows that $46 Billion is too much for one person, or even one family to have and maintain. Granted, he still probably lives an extremely luxurious lifestyle… but he doesn’t just unecessarily horde his money while people are suffering around the world. Yeah yeah, I’m a bleeding heart liberal. Suck it.

Women everywhere are likely to be pissed off when they learn that bad driving could truly be linked to hormones, and… you guessed it… men are inherently superior. I at least try not to be a chauvinist pig in my daily life, but this is one example of something that appears to be undeniable. I kid you not when I say I’ve never felt safe riding with a female behind the wheel. It wasn’t that I didn’t give them the benefit of the doubt, either. To this day, I’m still searching for a woman who can prove me wrong… it simply hasn’t happened yet. (That last statement may cause a woman to become enraged, so speak it with extreme caution.) My first serious girlfriend, Erin, would win the prize of Best Female Driver I’ve Ever Witnessed. Yet I can also recall the day I tried to teach her to drive a stick, and that was mildly terrifying. Just to clarify, I’m not saying that no woman can be an adequate driver, good enough even to avoid accidents and traffic citations. I am definitely saying that, after riding with many, many women, and witnessing thousands of insane maneuvers, this seems like a probable conclusion.

If your cell phone’s acting up, or you step outside and it’s 167°F, you can blame the giver of life: our sun. The largest solar flare in 15 years was just recorded.

Poor Mr. Muggles. (???)

See this cat? It’s really, really horny. So horny, in fact, that it’s out of control. Normally, this cat (Mulan) will scratch or bite me when I get near it. Now she’s in heat so bad that I can grab her back-end and shake it back and forth, she hisses and gets really pissed BUT she doesn’t try to attack me. She doesn’t even know what to do, she’s so overwhelmed with her hormones. I thought that was kind of funny. So here she is, squirming around on the ground making weird noises and rubbing up against anything and everything.

Baghdad has no water. Well, if they do, it’s either in bottles or very sparsely distributed around the city. Baghdad Burning has been updated, and so has Free Iraq. I suggest you check them out.

Friday on Howard Stern, I heard a clip of FOX News’ coverage of the inauguration. They’d invited a guest speaker from Vanity Fair on the air, and she had a few things to say that apparently went against FOX’s pro-Bush agenda! The interviewer had no idea what to do, but was clearly very worried that she might *gasp* be giving air time to .. A LIBERAL! Dear god! Opposing viewpoints! Check out the transcript here… though after hearing it, I must tell you that it was much more hysterical than this record may show. The reporter was literally astounded, and notice how she stuck to her neocon agenda even when presented with very legitimate points of debate. Fair and balanced, people.

Burying aborted fetuses?! You’ve got to be kidding me. A Catholic church in Colorado is planning to do just that, after “hijacking” a contract to have the “remains” cremated. The unsuspecting abortion clinic’s director summed it up best by saying: “Antiabortion zealots, Catholic or otherwise, have shown that they will stop at nothing to inflict guilt and to compound the grief, sadness and sense of loss that these women experience.” If you have a strong stomach, take a look at the quotations from the Catholic side of things.

I haven’t really been paying much attention to Bush’s new Social Security directive, but I suppose I should be. We’re all in danger of losing benefits that we currently DO have, and Bush is out misleading everyone again. Despite what we’ve all been told most of our lives, Social Security is in no danger of failing. The truth is, it’s doing pretty well compared to a lot of other government programs. (I’ve even gotten a statement from them! I actually have a balance!) Yet, here are the conservatives, arguing that privitization is the only way to ensure we’ll have adequate retirement funds. Can you imagine how bad the seperation of rich and poor will be if this manages to get pushed through? I’ve heard some folks mentioning a return to impoverished elderly, much like the days before FDR’s New Deal. I can’t really remember what that was like too well (I guess it was all that original formula Coca-Cola we had stashed away, and you know, The Devil’s Weed), but I’ll take history’s word for it. Expect Bush’s State of the Union address to be filled with scare tactics and misleading statements. Damn that sounds familiar. Oh yeah, that’s how he led us to war, too.

Added Later: Oh yeah, Johnny Carson died.

Somewhat fascinating: a Dutch traffic engineer has figured out how to drastically cut down on accidents and road rage. He starts by removing all the road signs, traffic lights, painted lines & sidewalks… If you don’t feel like reading, at least give him credit for this quote, regarding the ubiquitous rural yellow & black cow silhouette sign: “What do you expect to find here? Wallabies? … They’re treating you like you’re a complete idiot, and if people treat you like a complete idiot, you’ll act like one.”

“Something irrational and wrong happened.” - A fine example of solid midwestern journalism. Note the neutral tone, and listen: (-whoosh-) …Great strides being made toward some childish, incomprehensible ideal of “objectivity.”