Archive for March, 2005

Thursday March 31, 2005

Instead of looking at porn tonight, why don’t you filthy perverts check out the government’s slick new sex-ed site? Aesthetically it may remind you of a bad haircut, but check out the hip advice, daddy-o:

“Tell them why waiting for sex until they are married is the healthiest choice.”

That’s right, guys. Abstinence is the ONLY possible choice in rearing a sexually-educated teen these days. After all, with all those scary STDs just floating around out there, hiding in stinky cooters and ugly pee-pees nationwide, Just Saying No is the only 100% proven method of staying completely clueless.

Be sure to check out the dreaded possibility of “What if my teen has already had sex?”…

When are these people going to scrape the mucus out of their eyes?



Oh yeah, Terri Schiavo died, but not before Nathan Dorrell arrived with his assignment from God.



Thanks for picking up my slack, nicodemia. Yesterday I took the day off work because it was the first nice day Ohio’s seen since 1863.. er, October. It was well worth the vacation day. I made good use of my time… got my motorcycle running, copied my car keys finally, prepared a bed along our back fence to grow hops, rode the cycle for about an hour, went to the West Side Market, made pizza with Ev, and of course, went bowling.

Here’s some picture highlights:

Here’s a snake I found in the garden… notice the grimy hands.

Not a very big guy, but he was cool.

Here’s Ev sprinkling some carmelized onions on his pesto-spinach-parmesan pie.

And the finished product. We were outside when we realized we should be keeping a close eye on ‘er, hence the burnage. However, the slight overcooking ended up tasting really good. We didn’t get any shots of my pizza, which was a barbeque chicken ‘za with goat cheese, roasted red peppers, and red onion. It was tasty, but the crust didn’t come out as I’d hoped. Too many toppings.

I’m gonna finish this entry later because I have work to do! Not to mention, I need time to read some of the articles I dug up.

——- Added later…

Okay this is going to be a bit unorthodox. I haven’t read some of these articles, but at the moment I’m too busy to do so. Hence, I’m going to post these links and you can read ’til your heart’s content! (Or ’til your butt’s content. Whichever comes first.)

Recommended by Bot, Scott Ritter describes how neocons are parasites. Scott was the former UN weapons inspector, and his comments of late have been very accurate, reality-driven criticisms of the occupation. He also wrote this piece, Sleepwalking to Disaster in Iran.

Then there’s our old pal Ralphie Nader. He and Kevin Zeese co-wrote this article about the ongoing whitewash of Iraqi intelligence reports.

A real shocker… according to a UN study, the earth’s health is deteriorating. Wow. WOW. What are we gonna do, guys?

Johnny Cochran, co-host of The OJ Simpson Show, I mean OJ’s defense attorney, has died. He succumbed to a brain tumor (like a SISSY) on Tuesday. RIP.

For those of you whose lives consist of a never-ending quest for the largest bird penis, you needn’t search any longer. The world’s largest bird penis belongs to the Argentine lake duck. Cooincidentally, this is the same duck featured in almost every duck porno on the shelves. For the beastiality-curious, a picture is included.

The world’s largest Nintendo controller? That’s a different story altogether. A much more awesome story.

In case your dad didn’t berate you with this anecdote throughout your life, A Christmas Story was filmed right here in Cleveland. Tremont, to be precise. Well, the house it was filmed in was recently up for sale, and a California man snatched it up. He is considering making it into a museum about the movie!

City Braces For 13-hour Healing Service. Let me assure you that, as a resident of the city being referred to in this headline, no one is bracing for anything! As if we weren’t homogenous enough in our spirituality around here, NewsNet5 is at it again, promoting only Christian events. Not only that, but the enormous response they’ve gotten due to the media coverage suggests that missing one of these events would either result in eternal damnation or deportation. I am truly sickened by this… not that I needed a new reason to be sickened by local news.



Wednesday March 30, 2005

Somehow, through a combination of vegetable stock, ancho chili powder, cayenne pepper, ground mustard seed, celery seed, and sage, i’ve created a lentil & rice dish that reeks of spice and tastes like summer sausage.

In other news, the Ministry of Information is at it again, this time kicking three audience members out of a social security “town hall” meeting in Denver. Anyone who’s ever seen clips of these things knowns that they’re carefully managed PR-opportunities for GW to seem like he’s not a complete fuck. Rarely works, of course. But they try. And now we know how they do it. I can just see the slimy little College Republican aide snooping around the parking lot, masturbating himself to a patriotic frenzy between parked cars as he discovers the offending bumper sticker…



Tuesday March 29, 2005

As morbid as it may be to say this, the Terri Schiavo saga is likely almost over. So, although many r3tr0 readers might be annoyed by even bringing up the debate, I’m going to post a few more things I’ve dug up today. For starters, Terri’s husband is demanding an autopsy in hopes that it will prove to people on both sides of the scenario that she was indeed brain dead. Although that might help some folks come to terms with what they see as a tragic loss of life, Teresa Whitehurst over at CounterPunch warns that progressives could be hurting their image by siding with Michael Schiavo in this case. Why? She believes it will be easy for conservatives to argue that liberals are not sympathetic to her family and to protecting life, and although we may dismiss such a concept as a crock of shit, those who protested to keep Terri alive could become concrete fundamentalist conservatives, promoting a near-theocracy. Even she shares the hope that this situation won’t pan out that way, but she has her doubts. If Bush had his way, she’d still be vegetating away - so he came up with 66 uses for persistent vegetards. (My favorite is Hannity & Schiavo)

I really should have placed this above the Schiavo crap, but oh well. One of Iraq’s top Sunni leaders, Sheik Harith al-Dari, has said that until US troops are ready to withdraw he will continue to support the insurgency. Many Sunnis boycotted the election already, so that’s no big surprise. I read an article today claiming that Condi is likely to be calling for troop withdrawl soon, but any story using terms such as “likely” and “may” or “might” isn’t legitimate enough for me. I’d really like to see that happen, but I’m hardly getting my hopes up.

Driven though Cleveland lately? Have you happened to smell rotten eggs or vomit as you did? You’re not alone. Apparently, many residents have complained and the source is being investigated. Normally I just smell terrible sulfur in Tremont and as I cross the interbelt bridge, but yesterday I smelled straight up puke on the near east side. It was so bad I nearly puked myself! Whatever the source is, I guarantee it’d be gone if my plan for leveling ISG (formerly LTV) and making it a residential/commercial zone. But nooooo, we need our precious fart-generating steel plant. I’d also be willing to bet that if the project were to be taken on, you could hire all the displaced workers to destroy the place, construct, and maintain the entire area afterward.

Man, these are some really creepy dolls.

Boy oh boy, Jesus is popping up everywhere these days! A Stark County couple says they’ve discovered ol’ JC in the wood grain of their door. This one does look a bit like a face, but again, why would Christ bother imprinting himself on someone’s door? When I was little, there was a spot on the wood paneling in our basement where I swear I could see the Spitfire logo (skating company). I guess it’s all a matter of faith. *rolls eyes*



Monday March 28, 2005

Ralph Nader justifiably goes off on Schwarzenegger.

Baghdad Burning has been updated… a few days ago.

Terri Schiavo… 9 days without food or water, except a *drop* of wine for Easter. One of the sites I like to go to every day, Rense.com, just to find interesting conspiracy theories, has taken the side of her parents. It’s very strange to all of a sudden come across that side of the discussion when most of what I read indicates she’s completely brain dead and can’t possibly recover. Interestingly enough, Terri’s been keeping a blog of her struggle, somehow.*

–Added later–
I just found two more sites of interest related to Terri:
Terri’s MySpace profile.
“Don’t Feed Terri” merchandise! Who the hell is buying these things? (I want the apron.)

If you’ve got a strong stomach at the moment and want to see what the infamous finger found in the Wendy’s chili looks like… here it is. I most certainly shuddered.

SomethingAwful’s Weekend Web featured another message board related to adults wearing diapers. The other boards they sampled weren’t as interesting, if you ask me. Just knowing that, perhaps a few times in your life, you’ve passed a man who was enjoying a good BM in his pants without anyone else’s knowledge is both hilarious and disturbing. There are many fetishes or obsessions I can understand with little consideration, but how one discovers a love for crapping themselves is way beyond me. Oh! And be sure to read the entry of the guy who has been “recycling” diapers lately.

And nicodemia, not to place you AFTER the poop talk, but thank you for your fascinating contribution below. I’ve got to check that book out.

*I’m already going to hell, but this should get me there a little sooner.



Friday March 25, 2005

Been engrossed lately in a great book, which i’ll tell you about in just a second.

First, let me clear something up. No, lady, that was not my finger in your chili, sorry. But, yes, i do still use press-ons. They’re so much more economical than professionally-set acrylics, and in my line of work, you go through a lot of nails. Got it?

Anyhow.

I’ve been reading Howard Bloom’s first book, The Lucifer Principle (Atlantic Monthly Press, 1995), and would like to inundate you all with some thoughts. Until you complain too loudly, that is. Apologies in advance to those of short attention span; there aren’t a lot of colourful links to follow here. Although with a little curiosity and that little google toolbar up there, it can get interesting pretty quickly.

A bit about the author. Although Bloom made his name as a publicist for the music industry in the early ’80s (including a stint deflecting media attention from Bob Marley’s grueling battle against brain cancer), he was trained as a scientist and still exhibits the intellect and tenacity of a lifelong scholar. He’s since penned another pan-historical exploration, Global Brain, which reads in a similarly exhilarating fashion. Here’s his official bio, which exudes a subtle windbag-type aroma. Lest this praise mount too royally, let it be said that he is also a bit of an eccentric and, reportedly, a slum lord.

That said, The Lucifer Principle is saddled with the somnambulant subtitle “A Scientific Expedition Into the Forces of History,” which while technically true, doesn’t say much. Bloom weaves a complex tapestry of evolutionary biology, human & primate anthropology, political history, and psychology; he also tosses in countless anecdotal crotch-kicks from about a million other disciplines and sub-sects of academia and pop culture. Thankfully, his PR-training has enabled him to lay the goods out there in such an attractive fashion that one forgets he’s essentially undergoing an extensive academic literature review. Perhaps a more apt subtitle would read something like: “A Graphically Annotated Bibliography of Human Cruelty & Survival”.

The Lucifer Principle itself is an attempt at codifying the complex operations at work beneath the surface of humankind’s destructive behaviour. (Think Holocaust; Crusades; Guantanamo Bay; Great Leap Forward; Gulag Archipelago; ANWR; Three Gorges; My Lai; Bhopal; Hiroshima; 9/11/01; Native Americans; Colonial Africa; Oklahoma City; Columbine; the whole nut. Pause. Digest.) Bloom guides us through the genetic engines of evolution, pointing out the merits of individual and kin selection theories, and tossing in solid criticism of both. His synthesis, throughout, transcends accepted scientific dogmas; in this lies much of the book’s intellectual appeal.

His refutation of kin selection, for example, is brilliant. Kin selection theory was developed in the 1930s as a sort of refinement of Darwin’s idea of individual selection. By broadening the scope of natural selection from the individual to the family or tribal level, kin theorists were able to deflect criticism of their rapidly stagnating dogma.

Most of this criticism came from those scientists outside the post-Darwinian establishment who observed that self-sacrificing behaviour didn’t jive with a purely individually-based theory of natural selection. To explain the all-too-common natural act of self-sacrifice, kin theorists explained that such creatures were clearly putting their family’s presumably identical genetics ahead of their own. Case closed, la-di-da.

Bloom, cushioned by others’ research, cuts through the smokescreen of kin selection by calling into question human suicide; he cites also countless examples of isolated individuals essentially withering to death without companionship. Through careful explanation and measured implication, we come to understand the fundamental necessity of a social network and the overarching importance of the superorganism. But first, back to basics.

How’d our oil get underneath their desert?

Once we reach the macrobiological level, we encounter dozens of examples of life feeding on life, in order to sustain itself. Bloom’s explanation can be distilled to a biological economics of scarcity, writ large: With only so much raw material to go around, life on all levels must compete for resources. Commonly, those resources happen to be essential components of other life forms.

“Nature has made [Hegel's] tragedy a basic law of her universe.
She presents her children with a choice between death and death.”

Out of the primatology literature comes a staggering series of examples wherein chimpanzees and gorillas demonstrate what we commonly conceive of as human political interactions: jealousy, adultery, murder, territoriality, kidnapping, infanticide, and, yes, warfare. Violent, bloody, skull-shattering ape-on-ape warfare. One could spend a lifetime pondering the metaphors for international relations provided us by our simian brethren; Bloom indulges for only a few chapters. This, by the way, is precisely what Tim Leary was getting at when he insisted that no one discuss politics unless on all fours.

“Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions,
has always been the systematic organization of hatreds.”
— Henry Adams

Bloom’s exploration of the roots of hatred leads into familiar territory, with frustration and repressed sexuality ranking among the leading drives. Rather than dwelling on psychoanalysis, though, he turns his critical eye on those who manifest and exploit hatred for their own ends. His synopsis of religious fundamentalism is one of the best around:

A simple perceptual device designed to anesthetize us from the nastier aspects of our inner reality has given the fundamentalist movement much of its power. From the sexuality their followers reject within themselves, the leaders have conjured up the lechery of a satanic enemy. From the hostility the faithful hide from themselves, the leaders have built a fantasy of an adversary obsessed with violence. They have crafted the indispensable tool that pulls together a superorganism.

Although that particular passage was made in reference to Falwell & Co., its universality is evident. Which is to note that American women aren’t walking around in burqas yet.

Just before embarking on his explanation of memes and memetic warfare, Bloom lays down an outline of his Lucifer Principle as it pertains to the human superorganism, specifically political sects and nation-states:

• Every tribe regards outsiders as fair game
• Every society gives permission to hate
• Each culture dresses its hatred in the garb of righteousness
• The man who channels this hatred can lead the superorganism by its nose

And so here we are.

Allow me to disclaim the efficacy of distilling complex biological and social arrangements into bitesized niblets: This is not the whole equation. Please read the book if you’re interested; it should be available at your local public library. If it’s not, request that it be made so. Until then, here’s a list of used book dealers who are offering it for sale, many of them on the cheap.

‘Til next time.



Thursday March 24, 2005

Our top story today: woman bites into human finger in her Wendy’s chili. Though I’ve never really regretted giving up fast food, today I feel infinitely better about having made the decision. Wendy’s was one of my favorites, and yes, I ate the chili.

Robotic snake! Robotic snake! This is one amazing design.


You too can have your own air conditioning van.

If you know of the Franklin Castle in Cleveland, you might not know that there are actually plans to turn it into something useful. Although it will be a private club full of stuffy conversation and high brow jerks, at least they’re restoring it. Right now it looks a bit like a sophisticated crack house. In the future, it will be known as Franklin Castle Club.

Zipdecode. An interactive map that breaks down regions of the country by zip code. Check it out!



Wednesday March 23, 2005

Just a quick request: if anyone’s seen the season Spring, please tell them they forgot Ohio.

I know I just ranted about this yesterday, but the media blackout on Iraq war protests did not go unnoticed. This is a very disturbing trend we’re witnessing here people. As this CounterPunch contributor points out, the same thing went down two years ago when the occupation was looming. The most unfortunate aspect is that today we’re focused on a woman in a vegetative state as opposed to something that should really be stirring up our emotions. Appearances suggest that the focus is deliberate, almost as if members of the Bush cartel regularly phone top media execs and discuss techniques of distraction. Well, Father Bush seems to be losing the battle to keep Terri alive. She hasn’t had any sustenance since Friday.

Even uber-moderate Tony Blair thinks politics and religion shouldn’t mix. Sadly, this may be the first time I’ve noticed anyone, US citizen or otherwise, publicly acknowledging the blatantly obvious trend of mixing church and state in this country. Sure there have been hints here and there, but noting that this intermingling is shunned around the world seems not to have pervaded the mind of your average American. Isn’t that a strange phenomenon? It’s like a lot of us had this latent drive to mix our religious beliefs with the law, and now we’re having a big, sobbing intervention about it - and worse, actually creating laws around those beliefs. I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that this religiously conservative movement sprang out of nowhere. Where were all these squares when Clinton was in office?

SomethingAwful’s Awful Link of the Day today is a site devoted to the astonishingly-pathetic fetish of bald women. Yes, there are guys that sit around Photoshopping the hair off of women’s heads.

Child walks out on toy non-proliferation talks. Send in Condi! (Onion)

Drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge… what do you think? (Onion)



Tuesday March 22, 2005

Another school shooting has taken place. I’m sure you couldn’t avoid this story if you tried, but it is the deadliest since Columbine. The 17-year-old gunman supposedly was smiling and waving as he shot up a classroom. After a shootout with police, he went into a classroom and shot himself. Terrible.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve neglected the heck out of the whole Terri Schiavo saga. Why? Because it’s blown completely out of proportion. I’m not sure where I heard or read this, but some woman recently made a very good point by suggesting that the hysteria surrounding this case is due to the fact that people have seen pictures of Terri. She looks conscious; like she’s going to say something at any moment. However, in the past, cases like these did not receive as much publicity as today. Not that I know a damn thing about it, but I’ve read that comatose people can often appear to be conscious, despite that their brains aren’t really functioning. The fact that Bush got involved is ludicrous. He’s playing god in addition to poking his nose where it doesn’t belong. To those who are protesting on either side… find a real fucking cause! This is the business of one family and, unfortunately, a judge. Try caring about poverty, hunger, corruption, or something meaningful for a change.

Or, like a great deal of citizens across the world, protest against the Iraq war. I’m posting this because I know it won’t be mentioned anywhere in America. Somewhere between 50,000 - 100,000 people protested in London today, and we won’t hear a word about it. Of course this article is from the BBC.

Some evidence that the Iraq war is a failure can be seen here in the states, if you know where to look. The Army has raised the enlistment age limit by 5 years; to 39. Recruitment is way down, mostly due to the Iraq war. All I’ve got to say to the Army is: good fuckin’ luck. Who wants to go fight for Halliburton?!

Everyone knows Owen Wilson’s got a hideously ugly nose. David Spade just took it one step further on a recent SNL skit.

This is one of the weirdest sites I’ve ever seen. You type in a name and it shows you a timeline of the name’s popularity. I guess my name was indeed pretty original until about the time my mom decided to don me with it. Ev, I’m sorry, but your name didn’t make the cut. No surprise there. Oh, the animation on this page is quite cool though.

Last week I kept seeing reports about a “healing service” that drew hundreds of people here in Cleveland. I was later complaining that the local news always covers uniquely-Christian religious “miracles” and the like. Apparently, these services drew so many people that the next session will be held in the CSU Convocation Center! Just think, all those people willing to believe in some kind of Christian magic… it’s really no wonder George Bush was re-elected. I feel so sorry for these folks, living in delusion.

Finally, instead of seeing Jesus or Mary branded on some food or whatever… a pet store owner spots Satan’s face on the shell of a turtle. Once again, I find myself wondering what message these people believe is contained in these sightings… but in this case, it might not be a positive thing. The shop owner claims the turtle was the only animal to survive a fire there in October, and the story has been made into a DVD. I’m sure that’s worth watching.