The prez held a press conference last night, and whooo boy was it boring. I actually had the displeasure of catching a bit of it on NPR as I was driving to pick up some beer and some dinner. Right now they’re talking about it on the Diane Rhem show, and a caller pointed out that the press continues to follow Bush’s agenda, instead of giving him tough questions. The questions carried a small amount of heat, but after hearing his responses, you could see how there was a soft, chewy middle to each of them. For instance, a seemingly disgruntled agent of the press asked him if he would be willing to provide a timetable for substantial troop withdrawl. Bush responded that he wouldn’t be willing to do that because it would give the enemy an edge. As though the insurgents would “play it cool” until we left, and then raise hell. While many have talked about the possibility of civil war erupting in Iraq, what Bush fails to either admit or realize is that the insurgents are pissed at US. They don’t want us there, and we are who they’re fighting against. If there’s one reason Iraqi security forces are looked down upon by other Iraqis, it’s because they’re seen as siding with the American occupation. But I digress. This was just one sample of the rhetoric Bush unloaded last night, and there are plenty more one could get hung up on. At least his approval rating is quite low. Oh, and due to sweeps week, almost all networks cut away from Bush to their regular programming. Awesome.

Does Pope Benedict XVI signal the beginning of the end? Some people claim this will be the 2nd to last Pope, and after that, big JC is coming back to fuck some shit up. This prediction was made by St. Malachy, a guy who supposedly had a knack for seeing the future. Like I’ve said before, if a six-headed goat monster rises from the boiling sea, and I hear amazingly loud trumpets… I may find myself in the midst of a religious conversion. Until then, I call bullshit.

Welcome to Dennys, where everything’s served up fresh - including our racism. Seven Arab-Americans received a hot cup of bigotry and are now suing Dennys.

Subtle parody of MyPyramid.gov - the government’s new food pyramid assistance website.

SomethingAwful’s Photoshop Phriday is Breakfast Cereals III. There’s a few good ones.

Good afternoon, people. I just wanted to share with nicodemia and Echanos this satellite image of Fort W, which I just created from Google Maps. I was looking at Berea High when I realized that, for the first time, Fort W could be seen from the sky. This of course means our crudely drawn map is obsolete, but I still have it for reference purposes. I want to transform this picture into a map with the regions highlighted… such as the Sig Nig Lowlands, The Zoo, and the “cornfield” where TK nearly died. Note that you can see the way to Dan’s Dirty Dirt, and the encroaching commercial and residential developments. Imagine how cool this would have looked before the movie theater went in.

The new Airbus A380 has officially flown! This is about the coolest thing to happen in aviation since the 747, and what makes it even more awesome is that Airbus can now officially rub Boeing’s face in the results. Boeing actually had the audacity to predict the A380 wouldn’t get off the ground! Idiots. Now I just need to fly somewhere in the next few years where I’m likely to see one. So yeah, let’s see… Singapore? Korea? I’ll give it some time.

Yesterday I said Human Rights Watch is calling Rumsfeld responsible for the human rights abuses taking place in our name. Well, today the very same group has said that Abu Ghraib was just the tip of the iceberg. Of course we all knew this, but I like to see the notion getting press. It’s a shame no one gives a shit in this country.

Uh.. yeah, remember when we said we’re winning the Iraq war? Yeah, well… we lied. The US has finally admitted the insurgency in Iraq is no smaller than it was a year ago. We haven’t made a shred of progress, and yet the General Richard Meyers still says “we’re definitely winning”. What I’d like to know is, how is it possible to win this war anyway? All we’ve done so far is bomb the shit out of innocent civilians, and performed a coup to oust Saddam. Did they mean winning the war on terror? Gosh I hope not, because Iraq didn’t have anything to do with anti-American terror before we went and blew up half their oountry. When are these moronic warmongers going to get a fucking clue? You blew it! Everything that progressives and liberals warned you about came true in the exact way it was predicted. Every mistake we thought you could make, you did. Yet still, still you insist on staying and making things worse. Just swallow your fucking pride and pull out. Do the whole world a huge favor and give up. No terrorists will have won, as you proclaim. In fact, according to every poll taken since we arrived there, nothing could please the average Iraqi citizen more than having the US leave. Forgive me, I just can’t get over the fact that our country is run by a bunch of adolescent-minded bullies with no foresight! Any simpleton could have predicted the exact failure we’ve experienced, yet to this day we’ve yet to see a shred of progress made in the right direction - even after all the lessons we should have learned from. I just want to tour the Pentagon and walk around shaking every person I see, yelling “HEY! WAKE UP!” right in their face. I don’t know… maybe that would help.

After all this Iraq talk, you need a story to remind you that life is still pretty cool on the planet earth. Well, when a small buffalo herd makes its way through a Baltimore suburb and is finally trapped on a tennis court - that’s pretty sweet. I wish my morning commute were occasionally interrupted by a herd of buffalo.

Human Rights Watch says Rumsfeld might be responsible for the torture in Iraq and Afghanistan. With no evidence to back up its claim, the Pentagon says that’s not true. I just can’t believe the prevailing stance on the issue is essentially “they’re all terrorists, so it doesn’t matter”, even though the publicity of those war crimes continues to destroy our credibility in the eyes of Iraqis. I guess it’s just another example of the short-sighted, immature strategies the right wing always embraces. Sometime in high school their objective intelligence was stunted, and they were left to cope in an adult world with a set of childish, impractical reactionary tactics and nothing more.

TV Turnoff Week began yesterday. I’m going to participate, but god dammit, Sunday will be the debut of the new Seth MacFarlane series American Dad. I do plan on adhering my eyes directly to the TV screen at that point.

Pope Benedict XVI says he prayed NOT to be elected Pope, and that the lord didn’t listen this time. I’m so embarassed for these people. A bunch of elderly folks dressing up in robes and playing make-believe. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

For the last four years, a man kept his deceased mother in a freezer to collect her Social Security checks. That’s just weird to think about. While you were going about your business over the last four years, some strange loner was occasionally checking on his frozen dead mom, who was placed in a sitting position for some odd reason. I also like the way this article mentions in the very last sentence that he had homemade explosives and more than a dozen firearms in the house. Man, thank goodness for the right to bear arms.

The finger-in-the-Wendy’s-chili-saga continues, but a man found a chunk of skin in his Arby’s sandwich as well. I didn’t notice this at first, but it appears to have happened last June. Man that’s nasty.

Oh! I sampled the Rogue Imperial IPA last night and it was delicious. I don’t think it’s as good as their Imperial Pilsner, but that’s just me.

You’re lost in the woods. You’ve got a can of Coke, and a chocolate bar. Nothing else. Believe it or not, you can start a fire! This would never come in handy for me because I hate candy bars and I gave up caffeine and soda, but it’s still interesting, dammit.

Want to find a bunch of random images, videos, or music? Some dude figured out a way to use Google to search for open directories of this stuff. Try it!

FINALLY! Someone made a Lego rendition of Han Solo frozen in carbonite. It’s about fucking time.

I can’t even believe it myself, but today is an official snow day. I was called at 6:30am and told not to come in! Apparently the east side and south of here got hammered. By the time I left to go to the market, a lot of it had already melted here - and now it’s sunny and our street is dry. Ah well, I’m not complaining.

Over the weekend a bit more recording was accomplished. The saxophone parts are done, as well as John’s guitar parts. That leaves all the vocals, plus the random extra parts we have planned. Then the mixing begins. So far, considering our schedules, I’d say we’re making great progress now that we’ve resumed recording.

nicodemia, I’ve purchased the Rogue Imperial IPA (for just a bit less than the cost of my car), and will report in on how tasty it is. I’m still looking for the Bigfoot Barleywine… I saw it once, but didn’t have the cashish on me to buy it. Oh, and a warning to all beer drinkers, especially those that like to try IPA’s they’ve never had before: Arcadia IPA tastes like salted feces. Do not buy it. On the other hand, if you can find Alesmith’s IPA, absolutely go for it.

And now I must go accomplish as much as I can with my day off. The floor shall be mopped, oh yes. I may even purchase the wood for my coffee table.

Well Happy Friday people. I just blasted through an insane amount of paperwork here, and I think I’ll be extra-relaxed this weekend as a result. That’s good, because this weekend will be the first Smitty Tour outing of the year. I haven’t so much as swung a club yet, so I’m sure I’ll bomb tremendously. Also, here’s the forecast we’re facing for Sunday: High of 41, low of 32 - SNOW. If we actually have any accumulation, I doubt we’ll be hitting the links, but even if it’s just a dusting, I know my cold-impervious uncles won’t back down. At this point, I’m just hoping that Ohio’s reputation of rapid weather changes exhibits itself in such a way that I’m forced to wear shorts and dump ice cold water on my head to cool down. Why do I set myself up for disappointment like that?

The Iraq occupation has now cost us $300 billion bucks. Even if you flunked math like me, you can still quickly realize that’s around $1,000 for each of us. While I would never refuse a grand, just imagine the multitude of ways the money could have been spent. For one, the Cleveland Schools could be brought back from the grave. Stem cell research could be done to figure out a way to remove George Bush’s mouth so we wouldn’t have to listen to him. Shit, we could probably invent a time machine, go back and prevent 9/11, stop Janet’s tit from being exposed, and still have a few hundred million to toss around. What a fucking waste and what a fucking despicable act against our fellow human beings.

Apparently the woman who found a finger in her Wendy’s chili has a history of similar lawsuits under her belt. Also under her belt is a hipsack, full of pieces of human fingers, ready to plop their way into lawsuits across this great country. Seriously though, she’s been arrested, and I bet Wendy’s is going to throw the book at her. The Chili Book. With Dave Thomas’ face on the cover, scowling.

Right now on WRUW, they’re playing a Brian Eno song I have on mp3 that I figured I’d never EVER hear on the radio. It’s from the album Music for Airports and it’s essentially ambient textures and very, very sparse piano notes. I’ve always thought these songs were cool, especially because of the way they sort of force you to zone out. If WRUW wasn’t already the coolest radio station around, they are now.

Last night when I got home I heard of a big fire on Euclid Ave. here in Cleveland. It broke out not 20 blocks from where I work, but even on the distant West Side, you could see the smoke. After about an hour of battling it, the smoke was kind of hanging around over the city, as if LA stopped by and brought their good friend smog.

One thing that makes me not believe people who claim to have been abducted by aliens is their description of what they looked like. Why would they look anything like human beings? Why would they have foreward-facing eyes and walk on two legs? Just observing the astonishing diversity of life on our own planet should be enough to convince you they’d be unlike anything we can imagine. Whenever I see shows on the deep sea, where it’s pitch black and eerie, I find myself thinking about that very same thing. You see those fish down there, some are transparent, or can produce their own light… and some are so ugly and oddly shaped that, compared to any life on the surface, they sure seem alien. All this yammering and I just wanted to show you a picture of this weird lemur. If that is on this Earth, just imagine what’s evolved on other planets unlike ours!

Even if you took over Ted Kaczynski’s cabin after he was taken into custody, you’ve still probably heard McDonald’s obnoxious new slogan: I’m loving it. Those bastards have a way of tainting every broadcast medium and billboard available. Well, on TheSneeze.com they’ve created some variations on the theme.

Is your back skin droopy and loose? Did you ever wish you could touch your shoulderblades together? Does your urge to lace up shoes extend well beyond normality? If you answered yes to any one of these queries, then boy have I got an idea for you.

I’m tired. Must.. blog.. quickly.

Condi travelled to Russia and over-extended her welcome by making a few select, offensive statements (that I’m sure she didn’t see as offensive).

This article talks about a notion I didn’t know had any support whatsoever… the notion that some people in this country are so wealthy that it actually hinders democracy. It’s a concept that the Founding Fathers allegedly understood, despite the widespread stereotype that they were all rich, greedy, and racist. Personally, I don’t see how you could fail to observe the damage that the uber-wealthy have on our society, unless of course you’re a shriveled, unapologetic billionaire yourself. Even the “American Dream” itself was never so grandiose as to include a yacht, private jet, or a fleet of exotic cars. So, to those misers who still see no harm in hording all the wealth they can summon, I propose to them that they have stepped well beyond the American Dream or even the realm of capitalist legitimacy and have created an imbalance in the system. While a single mother of three rides the bus to her second job, a garage full of unused Ferraris collects dust. I agree with some of the points made in the article, simply because I’m disgusted by anyone who aspires to accumulate that much wealth. Live comfortably if you can, but don’t displace others because of your inferiority complex.

I guess I’m not alone in thinking Benedict XVI won’t last long as Pope. His own brother was shocked to learn he’d been appointed Pope because his health is unstable and because of his ripe old age. Oh well, I’m sure somewhere in the history of Popes, one of them probably kicked the bucket within days of being appointed.

The Chicago underpass Virgin Mary is STILL hugely popular. I can’t believe there’s that many people with nothing better to do than wait in line to see a water stain! Don’t these people have jobs? The motivation for visiting this site is described as “having faith” and to reaffirm one’s belief in God. I… I just… they… what?!

420 420 420 420 420 420 420 420 420 420!
Legalize it! Goats love it!

Here’s an interview with Riverbend, the blogger behind Baghdad Burning. Pretty interesting! I can’t imagine the imbecilic emails she must get from uninformed conservatives from the US. She must have infinite patience.

Big Georgie Voinovich, of all people, is expressing reservations concerning the appointment of John Bolton as our UN Ambassador. Perhaps I don’t really know Mr. Voinovich all that well, because I always considered him on par with Taft in being a conservative bullshitter. You won’t hear me complaining that he stepped in to say he doesn’t feel comfortable voting for him. Good for you, Georgie. I think we’ve gotten ourselves in enough trouble with the rest of the world for this century.

The food pyramid gets a facelift. Okay, from what I can see, we’re supposed to be taking in more milk than vegetables. Begin conspiracy theory: bovine hormones and genetic engineering coupled with the blatantly-neoconservative Department of Agriculture mean we’ll all be bowing to George Bush’s impending theocracy within months of adopting this diet. Seriously though, I didn’t think milk was all that important… do you smell a little dairy industry lobbying going on? (If so, you may want to have your sinuses checked, for our olfactory glands were not designed to detect suspicious political situations.)

Sativex, an MS pain relief drug containing cannabis, has just been released in Canada. Here’s a graph that Yahoo! somehow found applicable.

This Virgin Mary on the wall of the Chicago underpass sure is getting a lot of attention. The caption of this picture informs us that hundreds of visitors have come to pray in front of the water stain. I can only hope that some of these visitors have an epiphany while praying there. Specifically, that they’d realize the absurdity of what they’re doing. You’re under a bridge, praying to a stained wall. Is this really where you think you’d find a message from a higher power? What is that message? I can’t understand how someone justifies all this to themselves, so that’s why I’m hung up on these “sightings”.

I think a lot of the supposed-fundamentalist Christians in this country should take this quiz: The Belief-O-Matic. It doesn’t finish by saying “You ARE a Baptist.” It tells you what percentage of your beliefs coincide with a list of religions… essentially. I came out mostly Buddhist and Unitarian Universalist. The reason I think that people should take this quiz is that people are largely uninformed on religions beyond the one or two they were brought up on. Meaning, their beliefs could exactly match that of another religion, and they wouldn’t even know it. The same goes for politics. Once, on This American Life, Ira interviewed a supposed Republican man who was certain he’d vote for Bush. As the questioning dove deeper, it gradually became clear that this man had almost nothing in common with the Republican party. It was then painfully apparent that this man was voting for Bush on his character alone, and for the first time in his life, he was questioning his allegiance. People like to belong… everyone knows that. Yet I’m continually amazed at the lack of autonomy much of this country appears to posess. If you believe George Bush is representing you and your beliefs effectively, and you can explain why, that’s fine. If you can’t explain why, maybe you ought to consider that… IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A SUCKER!

Finally, a very brief introduction to the world of Furry Porn. Furries are an asonishingly large group of people fond of “sexy animals”. This is not bestiality, for most of the animals have human traits. (Though by no means am I defending it as an amiable fetish.) The SomethingAwful goons have always enjoyed mocking furries. Recently, a thread popped up suggesting that we dig up the worst furry porn we could find; most of which is in cartoon form, due to the fact that genetic engineering hasn’t advanced to the point of creating centaurs, or foxes that walk upright and have tremendous schlongs. The very first image I clicked on had me laughing out loud at work, alone, to the point that I had to bite my hand to keep it down.

Neither of these are work-safe.

Here’s the preposterous and hysterical one. I can’t stop laughing! Look at that fucking dog!

Whoever created this is never going to have his fantasies fulfilled. Even with genetic engineering!

Now that you’ve seen those, briefly ponder the troubling reality that people do in fact get off on these kinds of images. Every day. Even right now. Okay, you may go now.

New Pope! New Pope! New Pope! Dammit, they didn’t take the Nigerian fellow. Pope Benedict XVI will be his name. It’s kind of odd seeing this process, considering the last time was probably just a few months before I was born. This new guy is 70, although I think he looks about 300. One thing’s for sure, he ain’t gonna go another 26 years unless Ponce de Leon turns up in the Everglades.