Man, I’ve got a lot of bookmarks. I realized today that I have so many damn bookmarks on this here copy of Firefox that I really need to go through and organize them (again). I also realized that some of my r3tr0 links are pretty lame and/or inactive. The Hamster, for example, was shut down on April 29th of this year. So, what I’m getting at is that I will probably be adding and changing links on this blog, hopefully making it a little better.

Yesterday was the first Smitty Tour outing of the year. It should have been in April, but thanks to a freak snowstorm, it was postponed. I shot a 101, which for me is pretty good - especially since I hadn’t even swung a golf club since last year. I actually had a birdie on one hole, and on the 18th I chipped in from about 15 feet off the back of the green! That was pretty rad. We spotted this frog and I thought I should try out my phone on it. I zoomed in, AND I think the lighting was wrong, so it’s not a good example of what the camera can do. The frog itself was pretty awesome though… and big.

Dave Lindorff over at CounterPunch has written a great piece about the recent MI-6 memo that no one in the American press is talking about. Specifically, he talks about how a simple Google search provided him with several foreign accounts of the story, and how it got buried in the US media. The fact that this continues to be considered acceptable by the American public transitions perfectly into this next topic: Nationalism.

Howard Zinn wrote a piece called The Scourge of Nationalism, which should be read by all. Honestly, this is something I questioned at a very early age. I wondered how, in this time of supposed equality, there was always a war going on, or unabated pride being exhibited for what really amounts to a geographic difference. I especially like the fact that Zinn differentiated between the different types of nationalism here. He points out that nationalism in Switzerland, for example, is not the same as American nationalism. Switzerland doesn’t seek to extend its borders or spread its doctrine… yet they still have pride in their region’s history and culture. Perhaps that’s why I was always so generally disgusted with nationalism; because I always witnessed its manifestations in American society. I think he sums it up expertly with this: “We need to assert our allegiance to the human race, and not to any one nation.” Which reminds me of why I always hoped for an obvious alien visitation to earth. I always hoped it would render our nationalism utterly sensless.

It’s official: the finger in the Wendy’s chili was bullshit. They traced the finger to a friend of the woman who claimed she found it. This woman had lost her digit in an industrial accident… but her friend would try to ensure that her loss was not in vain. The only part I’m having trouble understanding is that, in the original story, the woman who bit into it was said to have puked numerous times. Was she acting, or did even her friend’s detached finger gross her out enough to puke? That’s all I really want to know at this point.

Dave Chappelle has checked himself into a treatment facility in South Africa, just in case everyone you knew didn’t already berate you with the story over the weekend. He says he’s not crazy and not on crack… he just wants some time to think and sort shit out. Right on man, do your thing.

Here’s what I want to know. Why is it “over the weekend” and never “under the weekend”? You never say “over the weekdays” or “over Wednesday”. And why in golf can you “get under” the ball, but instead of saying you “got over” the ball, you instead “topped it”. I don’t have any clever pun to tie this to either. I just really want to know where that shit came from.

Here’s a comic to make up for the unfunny paragraph above.

Amazon.com is having a one day sale today. Lots of ultra-cheap shit here, people. Just in case you are in need of kitchen supplies.

Our top story today is my new phone. As if programmed to fail immediately after the warranty expired, my old phone shit out on me. The backlight went first… so in order to read anything I had to hold it at an angle to a bright light. Then the outer screen stopped working. After that the screen was jumping all over and finally went black. I wasn’t planning on getting a really nice phone this time, especially because I thought I’d have to pay full price. However, after getting a serious deal on this baby, I’m thoroughly enjoying it. It has a 1.3 megapixel camera in it, and also records 15 second videos! Plus, not that I care, but when they release the 3G functions (EV-DO in Verizon speak), I will have the capability to watch the news, weather, etc. on this thing. I’ll take some pictures later on and post them here so you can see the quality. This is probably good news at least for readers of this blog because my old phone camera’s quality was shitty at best. At the moment, the only subject matter I have to take pictures of is my workplace. Later on I’ll take something cool.

The God Light, an invention of an Ontario man, is now said to treat cancer and possibly cure blindness. Probably about a year ago I heard about this thing. The guy claims the light this device produces can see through solid material, and now it’s practically miraculous. However, no one has any damn proof or personal accounts of the God Light in action. He’s betting $20,000 that it really does what he says, though. I was skeptical as fuck about this thing when I first heard about it, and now I’m about 90% sure he’s insane. Still, if it’s true, the guy is bending the laws of physics - and that’s pretty sweet. He’s from North Bay, which is a city about 30-40 minutes south of where my family goes to vacation in Canada. Actually, my aunt now lives up there year round, so when she does her shopping, she’s in the midst of the God Light! Wheee!

The courting of Pope John Paul II’s corpse has begun. That’s right - they’re bending the rules to allow him to be considered for sainthood. What’s required is to attribute a miracle to him, although I heard somewhere that in the past they used to wait and see if the corpse decayed, and if it did not decay, the person could be a saint. And if you believe that past papal corpses actually failed to decay, then you’re a bigger sucker than you know.

Injecting olive oil or any liquid into penises is extremely risky. Just so you know.

Bamboo Bike! Wow, this thing looks really cool. I wonder how she rides?

The Tofu Hut - bringing you a gagillion links where you can find free music. I just downloaded a whole Miles Davis concert for free! You could spend the next week on this site and the sites it’s linked to… easy.

Holy fucking shit. A Lego reproduction of a Munich soccer stadium. It’s huge!

SomethingAwful’s Photoshop Phriday this week is “Ill Conceived Toys”. There are several excellent contributions to see.

Seems that our technological addictions are actually more harmful to our health — at least our minds — than smoking weed. A recent study commisioned by HP (some giant computer company) found that compulsive use of email or “mobile phones” effectively lowered subjects’ IQ by an average of 10 points, compared to an average four points lost after getting high. Of course, IQ is a ridiculous concept, but regardless of benchmarking apparatus this is an important find.

Now get away from the fucking computer.

The president almost got blown up. Someone tossed a live grenade at him during a speech in Georgia (not the US state Georgia). Alright, so it wasn’t really a close call - the grenade was the kind used in engineering and artillery testing, so it wouldn’t have spread shrapnel. Authorities claimed it was done to capture international media coverage, and it certainly caught my attention.

A baptist preacher in North Carolina resigned after it was learned he ousted 9 church members because they wouldn’t vote for Bush in the recent election. In his defense, I really think he sees exactly why it was stupid and he probably also regrets doing so… but come on! I just wonder how many votes for Bush could be filed under the category “religious guilt votes”. Don’t Christians see how they subliminally solicited their votes by forcing the issues of gay marriage and abortion? Those are both issues that the government doesn’t need to have a say in. They are both issues that everyone has an opinion on, but where the opinion should not be extended to other people’s situations. So, regardless of how virtuous and pious these people think they’re being - I call them suckers. They fell right into the GOP’s net.

The Rolling Stones are going on another world tour! Man oh man.. Ronnie Wood’s the only one who’s under 60 now! That’s fucking sweet though. Their new songs might not be breaking ground, but they’re still rocking. If only they would drop the greed for just one tour and sell really cheap tickets… ah well, you gotta pay for the 60-foot prop penises somehow.

Everyone knows the horrifying picture of the naked little girl in Vietnam fleeing a village that’s been hit by napalm. Well, did you know that girl is now grown up and lives in Toronto? This BBC article talks with the photographer who actually drove her to a hospital after the picture was taken and got her help. He even went back to visit her several times and still talks to her regularly on the phone!

Some guy in Florida was supposed to get a painkiller injection from a doctor, but instead received a shot full of glittery makeup! What in the fuck? Fortunately it formed a sort of clump in his body and they were able to get it out, somehow. I think his doctor needs to lay off the LSD and HR Puffinstuff reruns.

Hey! Here’s some guitars that Ev made using that Flash program I posted a few days ago:

Here’s a pretty sweet looking Telecaster with a Bigsby bridge, Les Paul pickup selector, Les Paul pearl inlays, and some kind of humbucker I can’t distinguish.

And here’s his take on the ugliest guitar possible. I like the horrendous Jackson neck a lot - I hadn’t considered coloring that as well for some reason. In addition, he has an obscene amount of knobs, a Strat input jack, ugly-ass gold Floyd Rose bridge, and the worst sunburst I’ve ever seen. Great job!

Brazil to the USA: take your impossible, deluded, conservative sexuality and shove it. Alright, what really happened was we offered them some money for AIDS research and whatnot, and they said “no thanks” because our politicians think abstinence programs actually work. Brazil is internationally praised for their work on the matter. Good for you Brazil. Even if it’s only foreigners that notice, I’m glad someone isn’t blind to the ineffective legislation in the works these days.

The newest bit of fad terminology to almost make me puke is: man-dating. This is not to be confused with two gay men going on a date. No, this is about heterosexual men going out together, in a pair, to dinner, a movie.. you get the idea. I fail to see why this needed to be a term at all, considering that men have always gone out together to do things. This fucking obnoxious article from the Chicago Sun Times actually goes so far as to lay out RULES for such a date. Fuck you. If I want to share a bottle of wine with another man, and you want to draw conclusions from that.. go right ahead. When I’m done I’ll break the bottle over your skull to reinforce my heterosexuality - since that’s the kind of message you need in order to quell your homophobia. And what if a gay man and a hetero man go out together somewhere? Then what, motherfucker?! Mwahahaha! Wrap your classification-hungry noodle around that, bitch!

If you were ever following Cockeyed.com’s experiment with “Atkinz” menus at TGI Friday’s, then this update will please you greatly. I absolutely love that the management was all worked up about this.

For no reason, here are some things that don’t exist. Don’t go around thinking they do.. because clearly they don’t.

It has come to my attention that my rant about discrimination towards obese people offended at least one person whose opinion I value. After reading the offending post, I think I may have made some confusing “points” and I feel the need to clarify my viewpoint.

I was trying to make light of the “big is beautiful” camp; the obese people who are so deep in denial that they became proud of what amounts to a serious health problem. I wasn’t suggesting that slightly overweight people deserve to be discriminated against, nor was I insinuating that I personally know anyone in the weight category I was criticizing. That may have been confusing, but the article I was ranting about spoke of obese people, not just overweight folks. Shit, I myself could stand to lose about 10 pounds of fat and gain 20 pounds of muscle just to be considered healthy. In sticking with my comparison to smoking: smokers know it’s a bad habit, and they routinely hear people that care about them asking them to quit, especially in recent years. However, truly obese people who are ignoring the health concerns and trying to be proud of their size are never confronted by someone who cares about them asking them to get help losing weight. If they are confronted, the proud obese often get very defensive and may feel offended - but if it were a genuine concern and not the kind of ridicule that made them defensive in the first place, maybe it would bring about some help. So my point was that the more we build a support system for people that are so obese that their health is in jeopardy, the more we ignore the problem, and the bigger the problem gets. By no means was I saying that discrimination against overweight people is warranted, nor was I saying that insults or ridicule would help matters in any way. I am just tired of the way Americans ignore this major health issue just because a lot of obese folks have adapted to what they saw as insults, but may have been legitimate concerns, by becoming proud of their affliction. A lot of people are having success in qutting smoking these days, and you don’t see any smokers who are proud that the tobacco companies have them addicted.

Tony Blair reacts to the memo proving they totally fabricated the case for war in Iraq. All I want to know is, why isn’t this front page news in America? The President lied, we have proof, and we’re still fighting this pointless war! I may be answering my own question here, but… are we really this complacent? Is our media completely under government control? What the fuck?!

Macauly Culkin is expected to take the stand to help out Michael Jackson. Hey man, just because he didn’t pick you doesn’t mean he’s not guilty. I mean, you’re kinda freaky lookin’.

Google actually went down briefly on Saturday. Bot happened to be checking his email when this happened, because I recall saying “why can’t it find www.google.com?” when Firefox loaded up. They’re adamantly denying it was a hack, saying someone exploited a DNS issue before they had the chance to correct the problem.

A new study shows meanness in girls can start as early as age 3! While boys can become physically aggressive at an early age, girls learn ways to manipulate people and maintain a social status. Hm. There’s a lot of things I could say right here, and all of them would be sexist. I’m keeping my mouth shut!

Hey people, May is Natoinal Masturbation Month! So here’s an extremely lengthy article attempting to convince you of what you already knew: masturbating is good for you.

Just FYI, this blogger interface is switching letters around as I type them.. it’s really strange and highly annoying, but I’m trying to correct things as I go along. If you see words missing letters, you can thank blogger.

Someone finally defaced the Chicago underpass Virgin Mary by writing “Big Lie” right on the water stain. Rather than leave up the sobering message, authorities covered it up with brown paint. This article does point out that at least one person went to see the stain and thought it was only a stain. Victor Robles, thank you for your wisdom.

A man downed 10 beers, then blew up his house with a 10″ mortar shell firework on accident. I can recall lighting off like 1″ or 2″ mortars and how big the explosions were, but this puppy knocked down a wall and blew out every window in the house! SWEET! I know what I’m doing next Saturday night.

SomethingAwful.com’s Weekend Web dug up some shocking furry message board posts. These people are so convinced that they’re part animal, they start wearing tails attached to their clothes, saying “humans suck”, and even growling at people! This is a must read.

It’s really no secret that Bush commissioned intelligence reports to gain support against Saddam, but how would you feel as an Iraqi if your country was used as a pawn in their game? How would you feel if the evidence, even the conversations, were right there in front of you? I can’t even imagine how angry I would be, but I can still express my disgust for the people who made these decisions. This Counterpunch article details new revelations from the former head of MI-6, Britain’s equivalent to the CIA. What’s really sickening is that Bush knew he had a very flimsy case for war, but that the fear of WMD’s and terrorism would be strong enough to convince America that it was a necessary move. All of the suspicions that progressives carried were completely true. And how bad does it suck to be on the anti-war side of this situation all along, recognizing the deception, making the predictions, and watching as Bush’s violent dreams came true? I’ll tell you, because that’s exactly how it transpired for me. It’s painful to know that not only were innocent Iraqis and American troops killed for this unsubstantiated aggression, but that the American people were unable to recognize they were being had. They were so convinced that the motivation was there that GW was elected for a second term. If this is what our citizens consider ideal leadership, then this isn’t the place for me.

Then he has the nerve to allow the destruction of our forests. Clinton had protected the 58.5 million acres that would now be opened for development. 60% of it would be immediately available to start building roads and infrastructure for the logging industry. Look, when you’re an immature and self-centered fraternity boy, it might be fun to joke about destroying the environment for the interests of capitalist America, wiping out middle eastern countries you never learned anything about in school, and generally disregarding humanity in favor of greed and the accumulation of wealth. When you’re drunk and arrogant, these concepts have a sort of conceited flare to them that you might think impresses the ladies. However, when you actually have the power to make those decisions, and you start carrying out these unconscionable acts, you should be locked up. Every time I turn around, Bush has committed a new crime against humanity. These may seem insignificant to some (especially old conservative misers), but we only have one planet, and we can’t press a reset button to clean up our international relations. The neoconservative agenda needs to be exposed for what it is: the selfish dreams of already privelaged white boys coming to fruition.

I’m not done yet, and neither are the neoconservatives. Somehow, the debate of evolutionary theory vs. creationism in public schools is being entertained in a Kansas court. What part of “seperation of church and state” are they failing to understand? Moreover, if creationism is being taken seriously, shouldn’t other baseless theories be taken into consideration as well? I could go to court and argue that no one is teaching my theory that aliens planted a giant polka-dotted seed at the north pole and life spread from there. I’ll tell you why creationism should never be taught in school: it’s religion, not science. Even if you bother to encompass all the possible origin-of-life theories into your lesson plans (which in itself would be insurmountable), you are still combining religion with the government. Evolution is science; it corresponds with every other bit of historical evidence we have, and it allows a true understanding of the way this planet was formed. If you want to argue that God and not the Big Bang was responsible for the creation of the universe, fine. While we already have evidence that the Big Bang happened, we can’t prove it, per se. But you have to be a moron of astonishing proportions to believe we didn’t come from apes, and that the earth is 6,000 years old. Even Jesus himself would smack you across the face for harboring such ignorance.

Now for a quick escape: SomethingAwful.com’s Photoshop Phriday is “The Superman Shuffle”. I’ve seen better topics, for sure, but there’s some quality Photoshop jobs on there.

Some awesome dude on the SomethingAwful forums posted a link to this flash thingy where you can create your own custom guitars! Of course I’ve been hypnotized for the past hour with it.

Here’s some creations:

This would be the guitar I’d make if I ever decide to create one from parts. Hollowbody Fender Strat with humbucker pickups, double f-holes, and one knob close to my pinky so I can play with the volume.

A hollow Les Paul, double f-holes, with an avocado sunburst.

The most flaming guitar I could possibly make. It’s got that awful, black Floyd-Rose pickup with the thin whammy bar, 5 fucking rail pickups, locking nut at the top, Jeff Beck pickguard, way too many knobs, and the worst paint job I could create.

If you make some, hit “PrintScrn”, paste them into MS Paint or whatever you want and send them to me! I’ll put up any creations you guys make.