Seems every uptight conservative’s favorite jackoff fantasy has finally been put in her place. That’s right: somebody managed to silence Ann Coulter, if only for a moment. This story really perfectly encapsulates the frothy, bitchy existence of perhaps the most wretched living American, highlighting especially her inability to handle her own brand of steamy pseudointellectual puke. Ajai Raj, buddy, my hat’s off to you.

And now the bad news. Those of you planning on flying domestically will now have to fend off even more obnoxious, officious behaviour on the part of airline clerks who are “just doing [their] job.” Seems as though the ongoing antiterrorist effort at our airports isn’t producing enough results; now the TSA is upping the ante. Should you refuse to divulge your full legal name and date of birth when buying tickets—although you are not required to do so—the odds of your being “screened” or “patted down” will, according to TSA Administrator Justin Oberman, “dramatically increase.”

This pathetic proto-fascist scare campaign could be widely construed as laughable if it wasn’t so goddamned inconvenient. Has the domestic security airport gaggle caught even a single would-be terrorist? Anybody? I’m sure they’ve confiscated enough pepper-spray canisters to mace half of NYC, begging the question: Is al-Qaeda scared now?

This just in: J-Lo has aspirations to be the first female president. Truthfully, and I’m not just saying this because of her bootylicious backside, but I’d gladly take her over Bush. However, that’s not saying much. I’d also accept Jake the Snake Roberts, Ron Howard’s brother, or Herve Villechaize’s corpse.

I could normally care less about celebrity gossip, but Paula Abdul supposedly coached a former American Idol contestant, and then had some kind of sexual relationship with him as well. Paula’s reps are denying it, but ABC apparently has an answering machine recording that proves otherwise. Scandalous! I find this amusing because it could prove to be highly embarassing for Paula, and dammit, that’s funny.

Here’s a pretty cool interview with Ben Folds, who has a new album out I guess. Sweet.

Right now on WRUW there is a man screaming at the top of his lungs, and it’s been going on for 45 seconds already. Geeeez! Oh.. okay, he’s done.

There was a really gnarly police chase yesterday in Cleveland that thankfully ended without anyone getting hurt. It started as an undercover drug bust, but he drove on the wrong side of I-90, and finally ended up spinning out on the Chester exit ramp. The book will be thrown at him.

Yeah, so what’d you do this weekend? Me? Oh I sat on my ass and pretended I was cool. Friday night I completed the remaining guitar solos for our album, though. Everyone only has one question when I bring up the album: “is it done yet?” No, it is not. It may seem easy to someone who’s never recorded anything before, but even when the recording itself is complete, you’re about halfway there. Mixing comes next; making sure that nothing is too loud or too quiet, and generally checking the EQ on each track so nothing sounds like it’s coming through a walkie-talkie speaker or a subwoofer. Then, mastering. Mastering is where you try to ensure that the tracks sound good on any type of audio equipment. You manipulate the waveforms so that it has a fuller sound, and so you don’t need to crank the volume just to hear it. You also make sure all the coughs, whispers, count-offs, click tracks, flubbed notes, and unintentional rimshots are removed. As you can imagine, this also takes time. So it will be a little while before all that is done. If you knew all that already, so what.

I happened to randomly catch a little bit of Laura Bush’s stand-up comedy attempt and was amazed that she actually laid into George a bit. She even cut off his terrible, over-told joke mid sentence! Saying he’s asleep by 9pm, she complained that maybe he should work a little harder. The crowned jewel for me was, in describing their differences between one another, “I can pronounce nuclear”. Or when she said George fixes everything on the ranch with a chainsaw. That made Will Farrell’s GW impression all the more realistic. You could tell Bush was slightly emasculated as he laughed uncomfortably with exaggerated, staged shoulder movements. The guy has the most obvious inferiority complex in this hemisphere. As little respect as I have for her or any old money politician, I think I would be a lot more relaxed if she were president, compared to her husband. If for no other reason, simply because she can speak like a normal human being!

I’m rejecting an article I selected right here, so I have to fill this space. La la la la la… okay. In no way was that warranted. My apologies.

Also unwarranted is the hobby of collecting your navel lint. Still, this guy does exactly that! Ken, Ev and I were just talking about navel lint and how it’s amazing that you can gather so much of it. No longer am I intrigued by that prospect. This is really quite nasty.

What you are about to see may upset you in ways you can’t even explain. Available now from your friendly neighborhood Christian fundamentalist shop: The Unborn Baby Ornament - US Troop Model. I find myself speechless, yet with an overwhelming desire to run screaming at the top of my lungs right out of the country. The first paragraph of the product description contains a knee-slapping, far-fetched justification for the creation of this monstrosity.