Here’s the little kitten I can’t find a home for: Shiva. He doesn’t mind a little ear manipulation.

Aside from coffee, the best way to start a 2005 morning must be reading this headline: Bush approval mark at all-time low. Mmm, now ain’t that fantastic? His new move is to try and send a little bit of the Iraq war blame over to the Democrats. How? By pointing out that some of them actually believed his fabricated tales of the Saddam Hussein threat. I can’t quite figure this tactic out. The Democrats he’s referring to were subscribing to the intelligence reports he released, and once all of it was proven false, they understandably felt deceived. Now he’s trying to fault them for being misled by.. himself? Bush’s National Security Advisor, who no doubt has a far better grasp on the english language than GW, clarified a little by insisting the president did not manipulate intelligence. Oh, so that’s what you were getting at. Regardless, I don’t see how he thinks that attacking those who fell victim to his own bullshit will be effective.

A photoshop contest of irrational phobias. Weird. (Warning: many of these are dumb and unfunny. Only a few are worth viewing.)

Orlando’s finest prostitutes and giggalos. Eiyeeee!!

Most days, I save the most insignificant for last. Today I’ve saved the best for last. Oaklahoma Full Auto Shoot is just a video of an automatic weapon firing range, but sweet jesus do they waste a lot of ammo. Not to mention, it starts out with this tiny little kid firing what appears to be an M-60. My favorite part is when the car starts rolling down the hill… you’ll see what I mean.

A British man has “cured” himself of AIDS? The dreaded AIDS?! No way. Doctors are investigating, and are understandably skeptical about the claim. I just read a very appropriate quote for this story, courtesy of Sarah Silverman: When God gives you AIDS, make LemonAIDS! Yeah, I bet it’s a lot funnier to hear her say it.

Once again, Bill O’Reilly has shit out some of the most inane garbage in the history of the world. This time he would like to tell al Qadea to target San Francisco, all because they voted to disallow military recruiting on school campuses. He even offered up the Coit tower as a target. Someone should give Osama the exact coordinates of his fat pie-hole instead.

Speaking of garbage, this time of the human variety, Jeb Bush has ruled out running for president in 2008. Echanos, I’m afraid your doom-laden soothsaying was incorrect, this time. I just did a tiny jig in my cubicle, however. Jeb did say that he wouldn’t rule out future campaigns, which had me thinking. Perhaps he already knows that GW Bush will appoint himself dictator in 2007, and there will be no need for such formalities?

Let’s take a quick break, just to watch Jesus swim. Done? Alright, let’s continue.

Soon, there will be spy drones flying around our cities. All I know is, if Cleveland ever gets one or more of these, I’m at least getting a BB gun so I can chill out on my roof and shoot as many as I can. Maybe I’ll invent some sort of kite-powered net contraption to snag several at one time.

Cosmetic surgery that cures migranes, eh? Too bad I couldn’t tie that in with a penile implant somehow. Sarcasm, people. I’m hung like 9 bulls combined.

How well would a tinfoil hat actually work? It’s the conspiracy theorist’s most valued accessory, but would it do a god damned thing? Some really bored MIT students, with access to some very expensive equipment, took it upon themselves to find out. Surprisingly (or not), the foil might actually enhance the government’s ability to peep in on your brainwaves. My recommended substitute? Rubber, baby. Maybe Play-Doh.

Bob Taft is really racking up the negative accolades, let me tell you. Time magazine has named him one of the worst 3 in the nation. His approval rating is stable at 15%.

Car vs. Boat vs. Bike. I’m not sure who won. On the first run, it sure looked like the motorcycle was whipping ass.

If you were to approach me today and ask “Hey dillhole, what’s your number one reason for discounting the existence of god?” my response would be simple: “Because if god existed, he would have struck down Pat Robertson already.” America’s favorite twat, the king of evangelists, has said that disaster may strike Dover, PA residents because they voted against teaching intelligent design in schools. Lest we forget, hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans solely because Ellen Degeneres, a known lesbian, hosted the Emmys. You see, god works in very petty, shallow ways. Moreover, he’s in tune with American pop culture, and actually gives a shit about our excessively dramatic politics. Here’s what I want to know: other than the fact that this guy goes through the trouble of putting on a suit in the morning, why should he have the ear of anyone more powerful than a bum who’s unwilling to give up his heating grate during a blizzard? With such a history of outlandish claims, why are we humoring this jackass on a national level? I guess we’re running low on people making provocative statements these days.

A 19-year-old girl killed herself after getting advice from an online “suicide community”. It was actually a newsgroup - alt.suicide.holiday, which features methods for doing yourself in, as well as a venue to expel some suicidal tendencies. The father explicitly blames the online group for his daughter’s death. “That’s brainwashing. And they’re not being held responsible,” he says. I immediately thought, how successful would a pro-suicide group become?! All of the members would be dead!

Echanos, recruit someone to drive to Oberlin and pick up this free Geo Metro. The guy is moving and wants to get rid of it. I smell the resurrection of the no-doors project. (And it’s perfect weather for it!) HURRY! Plus, we can do a tribute to Doug Hasman.

I’m sure at least Echanos will appreciate this video. A Ferrari 275 GTB zipping through Paris, occasionally breaking 140mph. FYI, this was shot in August 1978, which is why you didn’t see any new cars tooling around. Also, I noticed a number of pigeons still managed to get out of his way, so if you ever hit one doing less than 90mph, it was totally the pigeon’s fault for not getting out of the way.

Cleveland has a new mayor: Frank Jackson. To be FRANK (laugh track), I wasn’t impressed by his remarks during the debates, and I thought he spent too much time criticizing Campbell and not enough time explaining his plans if elected. Even now, in his acceptance speech, I’m hearing a lot of rhetoric and very few details as to what he has planned. Perhaps he’s planning to secede from the state and the country completely! We just don’t know! In any case, I hope that he doesn’t balk on the Euclid Corridor project, and I hope we wind up having bike lanes on major streets across the city. My thoughts on Steelyard Commons are that it’s not nearly big enough. If I ran for mayor myself, my one big plan would be to level our steelyard completely, and reclaim all that space. It’s a complete waste of land, and we could put all those folks back to work demolishing and constructing new buildings. But I digress.

I was disgusted to see the results of Ohio’s state wide issues this morning. Apparently, Ohio likes their politicians corrupt. Four bills were shot down (issues 2-5) that would have limited campaign contributions, put a stop to gerrymandering (which is out of control in this state), made it easier to vote absentee, and, perhaps most importantly, taken the vote count out of the hands of the secretary of state, in this case Kenneth Blackwell - the assbag who was in bed with Diebold, and who some claim rigged the presidential election in 2004. The only semi-logical explanation for this disgusting result that I’ve heard came from a man interviewed on NPR this morning, who said that the opponents of these issues ran TV ads that confused voters into thinking that voting NO on them would cut down on corruption. Nice fuckin’ work! And nice fuckin’ voting, morons.

Nationwide, there were victories for Democrats, and a few “in-your-face, GW” results as well. The most uplifting result was in Virginia, where Bush had just flown in last-minute to show support for the incumbent Republican governor. Despite an appearance by the smirking chimp himself, the Democrat opposition won the vote. I’ve been working on a soft shoe routine all morning just in case I see Bush on the street somewhere. It features an impromptu gloating song that I’m sure I can wing without any trouble.

The most bang-your-head-against-a-wall result was in Kansas, where a 6-4 victory for teaching intelligent design LITERALLY redefined science. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? They changed the definition so it is ‘no longer limited to the search for natural explanations of phenomena’. One of the 4 persons who voted against it said she was disappointed because they have become the “laughing stock of not only the nation, but of the world.” All 6 votes in favor of the initiative were Republican.

Many news agencies are beginning to report that the US used chemical weapons in Iraq - specifically in Fallujah. The chemical, white phosphorous, melts human flesh to the bone. It’s astonishing just how thoroughly we’ve become what we allegedly set out to destroy. Prisoner abuse, chemical weapons, civillian murders, and an outrageously corrupt temporary government. Great job, jackoffs.

Ralph Nader attemps to put the malaria problem on the map. Somewhere between 1,000 and 2,000 African children die every day from malaria.

The sexy news just got sexier. Penthouse has approached the two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who were fired for gettin’ it on in a bar bathroom. I think a re-enactment is necessary for those of us who weren’t there.

Today is election day here in Cleve-town. Shoot, we’re even votin’ on a mayor. I ran into Kenny P in the school basement where we vote, which was pretty funny. Sometimes I feel like I’m one of 10 people that votes there. Truthfully, it’s just that I’m one of the first 10 people to show up. The polls are showing Frank Jackson leading Jane Campbell by a great deal, but I am not sure that’s how it will end up. I think she has more of a chance than polls have indicated.

Bush: We do not torture. Here’s what he had to say when asked about the CIA’s secret prisons: “Our country is at war, and our government has the obligation to protect the American people.” Well now… that’s reassuring. To top it all off, he and [evil] Cheney are attempting to block a Senate proposal to ban torture. When he says we will “aggressively pursue” terrorists, and we will “do so under the law”, whose law is he referring to?

Here’s a paranoid rant regarding the UN’s plans to take control of the Internet, courtesy of Republican Senator Norm Coleman. Take a close look. I don’t see a single argument against doing this that doesn’t revolve around making money. Every issue he has is disguised in some way, but it’s really about the financial leverage the US is currently enjoying. I’m not saying the UN is constantly awesome, nor am I saying that they’re always on their best behavior… but the Internet does not belong to the US.

A North Carolina high school student was working on a project surrounding the Bill of Rights. He took a photo with Bush’s head thumbtacked to a wall and his hand giving a thumbs-down sign. A Wal-Mart employee then turned him over to the Secret Service, who then confiscated his completed project and questioned his teacher and the ‘culprit’ himself. His teacher called the incident “ridiculous”. One thing they didn’t mention was the obvious irony in the story. He was attempting to show how his personal rights have become more limited under the Bush administration, and in doing so, he was nearly indicted for what amounted to miniscule dissent. Out-fuckin-rageous.

Rarely is news this sexy. Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders are accused of having sex in a bar bathroom. That’s right.. these two fine ladies were goin’ at it in a stall. Okay, so the brunette could use a nose job… STILL! Come on!

Howard Stern is running old shows today, after Infinity suspended him for mentioning Sirius too frequently in recent shows. Boy, I bet that made his day. I thought it was going to be because they had 50 Cent on there yesterday, and Tom (the GM of the station) came in to tell them they were saying “bitches” too much. Either way, the programming on Howard’s 3 Sirius channels will be some of the most experimental stuff to come along in decades.

Americans may have eaten mad cow. Really? Well… how was it? Brain-fuckingly delicious, I trust? You know, every time the FDA acts as though this would be contained, they are lying through their teeth. There are no provisions in place, the testing is so limited that it wouldn’t catch a single case, and the plan in the event of gross exposure is non-existent. All I’m sayin’ is… cook it first. Or hey, be a macho barbarian and the first one in your neighborhood to contract it!

Baghdad Burning has been updated.

Here are pictures of about a million cassette tapes. Some of these bring back memories of mix tapes I made back in the 80’s.

Panexa. Ask your doctor for a reason to take it. (Check out the side effects)

How much of your favorite caffienated beverage can you consume before dying? Find out right here. Lucky for me, I could drink 317 cans of Cherry Coke before going under.

How to hold a Steely Dan party. This is pretty dumb. I mean, they forgot the fucking cocaine, for christ’s sake! On Friday night, we had the first ever Supertramp Fan Club meeting at my house. A band from Cincinnati stayed overnight, and we realized at one point that all 8 people in the room liked Supertramp. Figuring that no other room on the planet currently had that many Supertramp fans in it, a fan club was founded.

Hey buddy, nice .. uh… erotic furniture?

Rat bikes are awesome. If you’ve never seen a ratbike, then click the link!

Speaking of motorcycles, here’s a game where you’re a police officer on a bike, and you have to mow down as many protesters as possible. Watch out for cars. I think it’s okay to hit animals.. because I just took out about 400 corgis in a row back there.

There is one vehicle, however, that trumps all others. The Lincoln Continental 4×4. Bids are still being accepted.

Escapa! A hard game that looks easy.

Hello, and welcome to Friday, November 4th. I just ate a huge bowl of gumbo. The laptop I’m working on is still broken. We have a concert tonight. That is all.

But speaking of eating… can you eat this pie in just 15 bites? I sure as fuck can’t. This is the hardest game I’ve ever played.

Could you eat a 30,000 calorie sandwich? Christ, I hope not. It took this guy 12 hours.

Is this story about Saudi Arabia, or Las Vegas? The Mayor of Vegas has said he thinks convicted graffiti artists should have their thumbs cut off, on live television. Allow me to present my controversial punishment. For Mayors convicted of being asshats, their houses should be covered from foundation to weathervane in graffiti.

I’ve never liked pugs and I’m not too fond of beagles, either. Surprisingly, the combination of the two looks rather cute! Meet the Puggle.

Having a hard time guessing your significant other’s bra size? Fear not, for the Wall of Breasts is here to help.

Nicodemia, here’s a 2 man tent WITH RAINFLY for $21.99. Just teasing. But really, that’s a pretty good deal.

Cockeyed.com presents: The Military Applications of Silly String.