Last night, Takeaway and I began learning Johann Pachelbel’s Canon in D. We’re playing a duet at a friend’s wedding, so Big T put together a little guitar arrangement for us. Sure, the song gets very, very old… and everyone’s heard it a trillion times… but it sounds rather pro. Perhaps I’ll record a full version for posterity’s sake.

Everyone’s favorite disaster response supervisor, Michael Brown, has said that he plans to “tell all”, provided that Papa Bush doesn’t get upset. Seriously, FEMA’s former boss is asking for permission from the White House before giving us the full story about the response to Katrina. Dipshit! What do you think they’re going to tell you? Rightfully, you resigned from your post, so what are you worried about? This guy wins the century’s most clueless person award.

The White House has agreed to divulge details of the NSA wiretap program to a Congressional intelligence committee. However, who the hell cares? All of them are crooked as the Cuyahoga!

This guy makes a pretty good, albeit obvious point - that Homeland Security sure is over-funded, and the chances that one of us will be a victim of terrorism are less than that of getting struck by lightning. So why is it such a tremendous and growing branch of the government, especially when we have other things to worry about?

Oakland, California hopes to enact a law that would require fast food companies to pay a “litter tax” because of all the litter they generate near their businesses. Surely you can see arguments on both sides of the coin, but the tax is fairly nominal, given the revenue of such huge companies. Hmm.

A 300 lb. woman is suing an airline for requiring her to purchase two seats. You know, normally I’m in favor of the airline in these situations… but given the size of your average coach seat, I think we should file a class action lawsuit against ALL airlines to force them to make bigger seats! How about that?!!

A first-grade student was suspended for sexual harassment. He allegedly put two fingers inside a girl’s waistband while she sat in front of him. I think his mom summed it up best when she said “He’s only 6 years old.” Seriously, are we going to start seeing kids under 10 locked up for playing doctor?

Oh man, this is rich. Two teenagers, 18 & 19, broke into cars and then went on a shopping spree, using the credit cards they found to buy things. One of their stops was at a Giant Eagle, where the elder used his Advantage Card to receive a discount! Genius! They were apprehended shortly thereafter.

Here’s some carved guitars to look at.

Maaaaan, I was beginning to think the blogger interface was never going to load! Well, might as well sieze the opportunity.

At Coretta Scott King’s funeral, Bush was less welcome than he probably anticipated. Rev. Joseph Lowery reminded a cheering audience that “there were no weapons of mass destruction over there,” and Jimmy Carter mentioned both the wiretaps that the King family faced, and the response to Hurricane Katrina as being an example of a civil rights issue we’re still facing today. Even in the picture provided by Drudge Report, you can see Bush squirming a bit in his seat, possibly trying to understand the criticism being dished out.

Exxon calls Bush’s pledge to lessen our dependance on foreign oil “unrealistic”. Ya probably ought to have to checked with them before spouting off, eh GW? I mean, when their lobbyist shows up next week and threatens to tell your dad, then what?

Bottled water: is it a scam? Well, despite the fact that a lot of areas have cleaner tap water than what they’re getting out of a bottle, it contributes to a great deal of waste, which is totally unnecessary. Even more shitty is the fact that the areas that consume the most bottled water often have the cleanest tap water. I’m sure no one finds that surprising though.

Los Angeles - high speed chase capital of the world. Given the frequency with which thieves and criminals lead police on dangerous chases there, some smartass developed the GPS dart - which will track the vehicle after it’s imbedded. Pretty slick.

There’s a big stink in Jackson Township, Ohio over a couple of city employees that may have been having sex on city time. Really now, can’t these uptight jagoffs find something else to nitpick about? I mean, how long does your average coitus session even last?! Clearly, anyone who takes issue with these people getting it on is sex-deprived and in dire need of a social makeover.

Ice sculptures in Russia.

Some total jerks set up speakers to play the sounds of a car accident and scare pedestrians as they pass by. AllDumb video warning.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar obviously authored own IMDB trivia.

Google and China, sittin’ in a tree…

I know this may be beyond anyone’s care, but a bunch of liberal kids with nothing better to do are calling for a boycott of you-know-who this valentine’s day. Me, i’ll be boycotting fine dining and sexual intercourse, but feel free to do what they tell you.

After all, rooting for the underdog is one of our specialties as Americans. Like the proverbial D&D ‘human’ race of characters, our balanced set of skills and abilities is enhanced by our generally useless prowess in esoteric fields such as this. Also, we can attain ground speeds of up to 12 mph and operate heavy machinery with some training.

In other news: Got a slice of spam today with the heading:

You always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue.

It turned out to be discount-viagra spam, but it really got me thinking. Who comes up with this shit? Men and machines clearly share the responsibility, but to what degree? Why me? And most importantly: How did they know?

I missed out on most of the Stupid Bowl yesterday, but who cares? Our rival team, the Steelers, took it. There was a World Poker Tour marathon on ALL DAY… so I watched a lot of that.

Can the President order a killing on US soil? Newsweek asks the question. You know, during the last 5 years, I’ve learned that the President has a lot of powers we never knew about. I think what the world needs to know at this point is: what can’t a US President do? The list would be pretty short, I’m sure.

The face transplant woman talks in public.

Here’s all the Super Bowl commercials if you wanna check them out.

So now you can not only get people’s cell phone records, but you can track them via GPS without them knowing? Greaaaat.

For those of you in the bay area, there’s going to be a giant pillow fight very soon.

UGLY CATS!! Yowza. I like how dignified some of them look. Like you’d have to respond with “Sir” or “Madam”.

Embarassing wedding photos. Whee.

Spell with Flickr. A nifty little gadget. I wrote this message for you.

Well, someone had to do it.

It wasn’t me, for chrissakes.

I just like poop. Is all.

All best,

— Sven Hummer

The State of the Union address was last night, so let me bring you up to speed since I’m sure you not only missed it, but are curious as hell about it. Firstly, the President reminded us that our country has an addiction to foreign oil. As Chief Enabler, he scored us some of the “good stuff” over in Iraq, but of course he’s concerned that won’t last forever. What’s he going to do about it? Well, nothing really. He has some projected dates by which we should try to lessen our oil usage, and of course there’s that Alaska thingy up north that we can take advantage of. The next topic was, of course, the war in Iraq. He insisted that a withdrawl would only show that “a pledge from America means little”. Well, Mr. President… what does it mean when our government ignores both the Iraqi people AND its citizens at home with regard to withdrawl? At what point should we examine whether or not we’re being a giant stick in the mud? After touching on the war, he moved on to our unwavering defense of Israel. Stop Iran from getting nukes… screw Hamas and their legitimate electoral win. Amazingly enough, he then mentioned that China and India are becoming serious world players, and insisted that our students be better educated in the sciences. He then stunned the audience by smacking his forehead, genuinely displaying his sudden realization that - oh shit - I’ve banned researchers from studying everything on the forefront of science! Even our continued dependence on oil traces back to my administration’s denial of global warming and pollution trends! After that startling revelation, he began sobbing and was carried out fireman-style by none other than Dick “Heart Attack” Cheney. All in all, a pretty dismal State of the Union address.

There was one upside to the address though - Bush created a cabinet-level position to coordinate scandals. A good move. You’ve got a lot of them goin’ on, dawg.

Cindy Sheehan was removed from the address because of a t-shirt she was wearing, and possibly due to a sign she intended to display. She’ll be serving two Saturday detentions, and the Vice Principal has said he’s going to make a call home this afternoon.

Another good Onion piece… not that they’re not all good.

Wanna commit suicide, but all you’ve got laying around is a pile of Lego? Fear not.