No bloggin’ today, ladies and gents. The youngest of my stepbros is tying the knot, and I’m gonna watch.

Have a good weekend.

Representatives for the Iraqi insurgency say they would cease attacks if troops were to leave by 2008. It seems like a good deal to me, but of course the Bush administration is apprehensive. The biggest concern of both the new Iraqi government and our own is that there be an Iraqi security force strong enough to handle further warfare.

Berkeley is trying to impeach Bush by putting it to vote. Citing numerous violations of the Constitution, they hope to “start a grass fire” that will carry the initiative further. Best of luck, guys.

I’m sure you all heard about the judge accused of using a penis pump behind the bench. Well, now that he’s in court, it’s become quite an akward trial for all involved. Read more about it here.

Film industry folks talk about the movies they’ve seen the most.

Feel like screwing around with a Coke machine? Well, here’s a manual for one kind.

A new German airline plans to allow passengers to smoke! Here’s a BBC article about them.

Is the Onion shutting down? This article seems pretty lame if this is just an attempt at a joke, especially since the authoring website claims to be getting buyout offers from them. Either way, here’s a good ol’ Onion headline fer ya:
Secretarian Violence Claims Lives Of Three Receptionists.

A murder suspect wandered onto the live broadcast of his own manhunt. It says no charges have been filed yet, and the guy sure seems pretty calm about it.. but who knows.

I thought maybe nicodemia would like these bookcases.

I’m sorry… but I consider this pure genius.

Dude… nice one.

The Israeli military has moved into the southern Gaza Strip. Naturally, the Palestinians rejoiced and welcomed them with cold libations and live music.

A survey discovered that only about 6% of Americans are watching the World Cup. Another survey, recently conducted by myself, on myself, says that I don’t give a shit.

Remember the painting done in the dust on the side of a car? Well, apparently the artist has done this many times. Here’s a gallery of some of his work.

A lot of people have Star Wars tattoos. Hm.

Ken Jennings, Jeopardy master, has a blog. I personally didn’t find it exciting, but perhaps you will.

J-Mac passed this along to me, and I think it’s quite fun. Water Attractors.

Want to reserve your favorite toilet? Try this. (Also, add a soundtrack of farts and coughing.)

In case you hadn’t heard, Warren Buffett is donating $37 billion dollars to charity. Most of the donation will go directly to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Yesterday on Talk of the Nation, I heard a guy call in and say “Wouldn’t the world be better off if that money had been given to everyone over time instead of having it controlled by Buffett for all this time?” - I’m paraphrasing, but you get the point. It got me thinking though… and I’m pretty sure that if that money were given to the average American, they would squander it. There would be entire towns where every car had 20″ spinner rims. You’d be seeing $300,000 fishing boats on the highway. Sales of plasma TVs would be through the roof. However, would any of that make this world a better place, or would people even be happier in general? I doubt it.

Bush was pissed the media exposed his awesome bank spying programme. Well hey buddy, you know, not everything can be kept secret. Besides, now that terrorists know you’re watching transactions, how do you think they’re going to change their behaviors to avoid being detected? There are many advantages to being able to scrutinize bank transactions, but none of them relate back to terrorism. I would submit this is just one more benefit the Bush administration is enjoying thanks to the exploitation of 9/11.

Yep.

Will the new Iraqi government ask us to leave? This Metafilter post makes a good point - Bush said we’d leave if we were asked, and now it looks like they plan to do so. Of course, Bush isn’t exactly a man of his word. I’d venture to say that Bush’s “word” is about as dependable as a lifetime warranty from the hustler who sold you a set of speakers from the back of his ‘83 Econoline.

Aaron Spelling, producer of all of your favorite television shows, has died at the age of 83. Mr. Spelling, your daughter is disgusting, and her expensive boob job does nothing to remedy the fugly. May you rest in peace. Oh, and thanks for The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

And now, a series of YouTube videos.
1. Kelly Like Shoes. I don’t pretend to know why this video was made, but I do think it’s pretty funny. And weird.
2. Stevie Wonder performs Superstition on Sesame Street.
3. Juggling inside a cone.
4. Best City Council Meeting Ever. This is from Cynical-C, and my god is it a treasure.

You can see what ships are in the San Francisco Bay on this site, in real time. So, you know, if you’re ship spotting and it’s a slow day… you can find out why. Or, when you’re planning to loot a shipment of Chinese finger cuffs, you can see how nearby the ship is.

Looking for a career where you ride around in stranger’s cars? Look no further! Become a commute helper, like this guy, who came up with the idea. (Don’t let my lame sarcasm fool you, this is pretty clever.) (Also, Echanos already has a job riding around in stranger’s cars. He just doesn’t go anywhere in them.)

So your dad’s been giving you pony rides, bareback, and you keep losing your grip. Not to mention, you don’t have a drop of Indian blood in ya. It’s time you picked up The Daddle - the world’s first saddle for dads. (Although, there’s a few moms I’d like to try this on.) (None are related to me, and you’re sleazy for even thinking that.)

This product is just a little too close to an idea I had quite a while ago. They’ve taken a tiny LED screen and mounted it in the back window of a car so you can give messages to people behind you. My idea was to have one of those scrolling screens like you see at the DMV or the high school cafeteria, and have pre-loaded messages in it that you can access from the driver’s seat. Their idea is very similar, but also very limited. Naturally, I wanted phrases like “Eat a dick!” or “That’s what you get for driving a Pontiac, ya fuckin’ douche!” right at my fingertips. Fortunately, I needn’t harness any technology to dispense these phrases right from my mouth.

Check out Rob Cockerham’s latest prank: NASCAR Drive-Thru!

A terr’ist plot was uncovered that involved the Sears Tower as a target. Although this article says no explosives or munitions were found, I heard this morning that investigators hadn’t yet commented on that topic. There were seven individuals rounded up, and five of them were US citizens.

After 9/11, the Bush administration began quietly tracking financial data, using a Belgium-based firm that handles massive amounts of banking traffic. It’s said that this has helped foil some terrorist plots, such as the one that was uncovered today, because of the huge amount of data available to scan. You know, I don’t have a big problem with this, because I don’t transfer a whole lot of money that often, but I do find it somewhat contradictory to the “conservative” agenda. These are the guys that continually tell us that liberals want big government, but that only they want to stay out of our business. Yet here they are, tracking our phone calls, watching our banking data… making the government about as all-encompassing as one could possibly imagine. So, Bush lovers, I hope you’re enjoying your “smaller government.”

A cure for migranes? A new device is said to disrupt the electrical storm that takes place before a full-blown migrane sets in. “The Zapper”, they’re calling it. Unfortunately for most of the world, the damn thing costs about $2000. Fuck that… I’ll stick with my $7 economy size bottle of generic Excedrin.

Speaking of not being able to afford things… the middle class is vanishing quickly. I think most of us are well aware that this is happening, but hey.

13 new episodes of Futurama are coming out! Wait, did that say 2008? Sheesh. Well, maybe I’ll have a TV by then… or be able to afford cable in California.

Can you identify which quotes are from Hitler, and which quotes are from Ann Coulter? I got 8 correct, out of 14.

SomethingAwful’s Photoshop Phriday this week: Unwanted Soundtracks. Damn, some of these are really good.

Bush got a little pissy when EU reporters pressed him on the issue of Guantanamo. He was especially defensive in his response to the assertion that the US is a greater menace to the world than Iran or North Korea; a view shared by most Europeans. I think this goes to show you how much of an isolationist GW has proven to be during his tenure. ‘Unilateral’ is not only Bush’s favorite word, but his only tactic in global affairs.

If Iraqi government officials have their way, they may be asking the US to leave. One could only hope that we would accept their invitation - especially since it would all but absolve us from the responsibility of rebuilding the nation. Of course, that directly conflicts with our plans of dominating corporate Iraq, not to mention our $7500 trillion dollar embassy. (Or whatever the cost was)

A 15-year-old girl has been putting together flash animations opposing the Iraq war, and in turn, getting some rather harsh criticism. Take a look at the Cynical-C post, and you’ll see what I mean. She makes a very valid point along the lines of Ahmadi-Nejad: that the whole “What Would Jesus Do” mantra sure seems absent from the minds of our leadership, despite Bush’s assertions to the contrary.

The Fast Food Nation movie trailer. For your viewing pleasure.

You know, sometimes a man’s Jedi training just doesn’t feel right. I mean, you’re running through Dagobah, hopping over stumps, doing backflips and whatnot… but something’s missing. If you’ve been experiencing this void, then surely you’ll welcome the release of the Yoda backpack. It’s not quite the same as having the real Jedi master perched on your shoulders, but it’s close.

Shop for groceries at Amazon? When I want my Annie’s mac & cheese, I don’t want it 4 days from now, I want it immediately. Sorry, fellas.

Retrobrick has all the old cellphones you should really be embarassed to pull out. There must be some demand for these things… but seriously, who wants to lug one of these around?

The US considers shooting down the North Korean test missle. I heard this story right after waking up, and laughed when they were talking about what would happen if we missed. I’ll tell you what’ll happen - it will validate every claim that our nuclear defense “shield” is a big piece of shit. At best, it might shut up a few rednecks who think this country is invincible.

Yet another (the third) member of Saddam’s defense team has been killed. I can just see the classified ad now: “Are you a lawyer waiting for your big break?! Need some time in the limelight? Join Saddam’s defense team!” By joining, you will inevitably suffer a premature death.

Here’s a list of words and phrases from the corporate world that should be banned from speech entirely. “At the end of the day” has permeated all the way to professional athletes, who utilize it in their mindless ramblings in front of the TV camera. “Yeah Bob, I think we just got out there and put the ball through the hoop. These guys played hard, but we played just a little bit harder. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.” Thanks, dipshit. They left off one of my most-dreaded corporate words: ownership. For some reason, that caught on at the internet provider I used to work for, and I heard it damn near every day. It was used by upper management to pass along duties they either didn’t understand, or wanted nothing to do with. “Hey, someone needs to upgrade all the web servers to the new version of IIS. Jim, will you take ownership of that?” God… that makes me shiver.

A woman actually found a bear eating porridge in her house. The bear, apparently soothed by the delicious oatmeal, eventually made its way back to the forest.

A hefty Nebraska man was caught hiding a bag of weed in one of his rolls of fat! Pretty clever.. except that his car was obstructing traffic for some reason.

This is in the same vein as the Extreme Japanese Wake-up Pranks… except it’s just one poor sap who looks like he passed out a little to early at a party.

I’m not sure if this game is fun or just annoying, but here it is anyway: Mouse 1.0.

If North Korea launches a missle, the US “can’t assume it’s a test”. I guess the Bushies aren’t playing around. But what would be our response? One can only imagine.

A poll was taken to gauge people’s 2008 presidential options. Although Drudge Report ran a headline that said Hillary’s “no” votes were high, she also had the high “yes” vote for the Democratic candidate. Thankfully, 63% of Republicans surveyed said they would “definitely not vote” for Jeb Bush……… yet.

According to the Pentagon, if you’re gay, you have a mental disorder. “It is disappointing that certain Department of Defense instructions include homosexuality as a ‘mental disorder’ more than 30 years after the mental health community recognized that such a classification was a mistake,” said Rep. Marty Meehan, D-Mass.

Everyone’s heard about Van Gogh cutting off his ear. Well, TheSneeze.com wanted to gather some details about this incident. You know, for curiosity’s sake. They discovered that he only cut off about the lower 3rd of his ear - not the entire thing. So yeah… don’t let people tell you he cut the whole thing off. It’s just not true, and Van Gogh wouldn’t want us to make that mistake.

Anyone remember the babysuit photograph? Here are some more shots from the same photographer.

I haven’t even seen this whole video yet, but it had me laughing my ass off. Extreme Japanese Wake-Up Pranks.

This one’s for Echanos - 500 albums Elvis Costello says you need.

Damn Birds is a game of statue revenge. It’s also pretty cool looking.

A 1GB USB drive for $19.95. That’s a good deal - if you need one.